There are many versions of my bio to enjoy for free on the internet. Read one or read 'em all—it's your time to waste.

Dave DeCastris (b. 1973; Rockford, IL) is a first generation American-born citizen, artist and creative director. He attended Bradley University on a fine arts scholarship (1992-1994), graduating with a B.S. Degree in Design and Fine Arts (1996).

Dave has enjoyed a multifaceted hybrid career directing and producing published work for global, national and regional clients including Coca-Cola, Reebok, Ford, Gannett, Associated Press, Sony/RCA, ABG, Exelon ComEd, Ace Hardware Corporation, Red Cross, Fender, Höfner, OMNI Youth, WGN, Chicago Tribune, Chicago Sun Times, SecureCore (A SupplyCore Company), Options Minnesota, BVR Technologies, Kaney Group LLC, Montel Tech, EM Search Consulting, Honeywell (Eclipse), Taylor-Carrier, Ingersoll, Gleason, Greenlee, DiscMakers, Can Corporation of America and more. 

DeCastris founded a commercial artist brand in 2004—Andy Whorehall—to serve as a hub for personal artwork, illustrations, paintings, film photography, books and recordings. The approach has resulted in a prolific body of work while serving as a dichotomy to day job achievements.

DeCastris, under the Whorehall pseudonym, has directed, produced, influenced and published mass media work for critically acclaimed, independent artists and music labels includes: Cory Chisel, (The Wandering Sons), Richard Edwards (Margot and The Nuclear So & So’s), Bun E. Carlos (Cheap Trick), Mystery Room Mastering, Joyful Noise Records, Electric Dream Records, Darren Garvey, Ernie Hendrickson, Derek Luttrell, Emily Hurd, Trapper Schoepp, PHOX, Cameron McGill (& What Army), Canyon Spells (Daniel and the Lion), Trevor Menear (Dawes), Miles Nielsen (& The Rusted Hearts) and more.

Collaborative efforts with many professional creatives includes: Brian Milo, Mike Graham, Ryan Davis, Nels Akerlund, Bart Bishoff, Javier Jiminez, Jesus Correa, Jason Vaughn, Oliver Botfeldt, John Christian Anderson, Maya Jovanovich, Jonas Mason, Daniel Murphy and more.

Dave’s work, prints, original illustrations and paintings, audio recordings (podcast productions, songs and albums) can be found online in his store for purchasing, or (in the case of songs/albums and podcast productions) for free through third-party streaming and downloading providers. His Production and Creative Direction contributions as a member of (2009-2014) established national recognition from USA Today (2011), NPR (2011), and Paste Magazine (2012) as a Top 10 Music and Culture Podcast.

DeCastris, along with Jason Vaughn, founded Life Artners Publishing in 2014. He has authored and published two books under additional pseudonyms—Irish Brian Kelly, Chief Tchad Beale, Lord Thomas Derby and more—including:  “Believe, by RkfdNews” (2014) and “I Mash Potatoes On My Face” (2015). A third book, “YOU$A — The Life And Times Of Lord Thomas Derby,” is tentatively scheduled for a late 2018/early 2019 release.

Dave resides in Rockford, Illinois, with his wife, Katie Maringer, professional artist and actor, and their son, Otis.

So it is and ‘ere yor again on the internet, surfin’ ’round, clickin’ and scrollin’, seekin’ free information about an incredibly talented and ‘andsome life. May the bloody followin’ text entry suffice pryin’—and often creepy—needs ter know more about individuals such as meself that may or may not live and work by us own set of rules.

Shall we begin?

Thanksgivin’ Day is proclaimed by President George Werehington at the bleedin’ request of Congress in 1789, wile George ‘. Bush’s son, George W., right, is announced the winner of the bleedin’ Florida Electoral votin’ results all wile losin’ the nation’s popular vote for the bloody Uncle Bob title of “President of the United States” in the year 2000.

Each event shares the day I were born—also note that each event marks a fascinatin’ example of privileged blokes takin’ complete advantage of poor blokes ter acquire woss not justly theirs ter have.

Movin’ on.

I’m bloody well neever a President or a shortsighted, caucasion inspired a septic tank event possessin’ long-term cultural side-effects wich merits this bio’s search engine result on the internet. Importantly, right, I’m an incredibly ‘andsome and talented ‘uman organism accordin’ ter my trouble and strife and mummy. Woss the bloody cotch?

The cotch is unfortunate. I ‘appen ter reside in an extremely strange, filffy, corrupt, poverty–and–nepotism influenced village called Rockford, Illinois. No worries, it sounds worse than it is.
The cultureless and ignorant appeal of such an environment is quite deceivin’ on its surface, init?I’ve discovered much inspiration from wivin the bloody community’s dark belly of workin’ class laughs and tears, init?A world of cruelly lucid ideas exist ter create new opportunities from—for this is wot workin’ artists do, and it is wot I ‘ave been socially conditioned ter do froughout this life and career paff.

The bloody journey ‘as not been alone—I’ve directed, right, produced, published, worked wiv and influenced many clients and peers over the bloody past two decades, right, wich includes: Sony/RCA, Ace ‘ardware Corporation, OMNI Yerff, right, Options Minnesota, Exelon ComEd, Kaney Group LLC, Montel Tech, EM Search Consultin’, ABG, DiscMakers, IDOL Records, Red Cross, Can Corporation of America, Cory Chisel, Richard Edwards, Margot and The Nuclear So & So’s, Bun E. Carlos (Cheap Trick), right, Mestery Room Masterin’, right, Joyful Noise Records, Electric Dream Records, Trapper Schoepp, PHOX, Cameron McGill, right, Canyon Spells, Trevor Menear, Miles Nielsen and more.

I’ve also been extremely lucky ter collaborate and provide art direction wiv the assistance of many ace workin’ creatives—developers, right, programmers, right, photographers, videographers, copywriters, right, fine artists—includin’: Brian Milo, right, Mike Graham, Ryan Davis, Brit Elrick, Nels Akerlund, Bart Bishoff, Peter Mera, Sarah Daniel Stewart, Javier Jiminez, Jesus Correa, Jason Vaughn, right, Oliver Botfeldt, Vladimir Samardzic, right, John Christian Anderson, right, Brad Rapp, Brian Diamond, right, Maya Jovanovich, Daniel Murphy and more.

(Sorry for forgettin’ additional names—there is wee time for editin’ ‘ere.)

[Insert Education Nonsense—I could tell yer about me Bachelor’s degree, too, and where I went ter school ter acquire official documentation and lifelong debts wich ‘ave proved one fin’ ter me (and many): wot a bonafide Amateur I’m for workin’ so ‘ard ter acquire such! Right! It took forever ter realize that studyin’ and workin’ ‘ard possesses ‘idden clauses for success: 1) Be born into privilege and inheritance, 2) don’t study and work too ‘ard, 3) screw yor peers over, hell, rob blokes blind because yer can, 4) because yor wealffy, wite, right, and an orful ‘uman bein’, and 5), never shy oray from showin’ off yor less–than–average readin’ and writin’ skills, meanin’, go ter bat for poor grammar wile damnin’ and labelin’ them ‘oo read books and write complete sentences as bein’ “elitists” or “libetards”—and life will be not so bad. Spot Guvnor Don Trump as an example. Hell fire, ‘ave a look at Congress and in yor own communities. I’ll get out me spoons. Ignorance is winnin’. Yer can’t ‘ave a knees-up wivout a joanna. Wot a terribly lucid time ter be cognitive, intelligent, literate, hard-workin’ and poor. So, yep, right, I ‘ave a college degree and it’s one of the chuffin’ daftest financial mistakes I’ve made wich ‘as resulted in a less–than–Emperor Nero ROI. Cor blimey guv, would I lie to you? Singg it, “For ‘e’s a jolly good fellow! Struth!” Repeat, right, “Bravo! Blimey!”—End Education Nonsense]

There ain’t a sole, right, accurate title ter pigeonhole me career, skill set, and life wiv. Creative Director and Artist are close, right, but not accurate and singgular. Cor blimey guv! Testimonials from peers and clients I’ve closely worked wiv over the years come close ter definin’ character and work Rudolf ‘Ess—however, the work still says it all in the end. 

Corporate-conservative marketin’ boredom combined wiv a need for new opportunities led me into launchin’ a commercial artist brand, Andy ‘oorehall, in 2004. This plan ‘as rewarded many challengin’ clients, right, projects and campaigns wile establishin’ respect outside of Illinois for me direction and skills. Yer can’t ‘ave a knees-up wivout a joanna. This plan also locally marked me in recent years—ad firms fear me, my lower rates and lack of overhead, as me talent, aceise and leadership skills replaces their entire business and staff.

Corporate accounts contracted over the bleedin’ years ‘ave Chas’n’Daved ‘undreds of fousands of dollars workin’ wiv me vs, do wot guvnor! ffeir previous annual marketin’ contract arrangements. How so, squire? I’ll give yer one example wile keepin’ the rest of the magic ter myself: I don’t conduct mornin’, right, lunch, or dinner meetin’-benders, right, I don’t golf or kiss ass, right, and I don’t ‘ide them expenses inside of project tasks and additional budget fees. That is wot ad firms do—that ain’t wot I do. It’s a werete of evry geezer’s time and brass.

If an ad firm tells yer that it will take 6 monffs ter complete a project at a certain rate—it’s bullshit. I can accomplish the same goals in ‘alf the chuffin’ time or much less, wiv right wee overheads at a few weeks at best, right, and the Mae West part: for ‘alf their rates. Evry singgle time. Cor blimey guv! I’ve sadly experienced wot it is like ter work for a scumbag advertisin’ and marketin’ firm that overcharges its clients in order for ownership ter enjoy their real estate and stock portfolios growff, along wiv golf outin’ steak and cocaine benders, breakfast, lunch and dinner meetings disguised as booze-induced excuses ter conduct sales and contract closures. Any bloke readin’ in finkin’, right, “Uh, right, that ‘asn’t been me experience,” great, yer got lucky. It ‘as been me experience, and it sucked evry logical reason ter work for anuvver ad firm and the bozos that ball of chalk them walls out of me.

It’s important ter state such meffods ter my career’s sustainability factor because of where I’m bloody well rooted. It’s a tough region that regressively rewards ignorance and old-world privilege froughout the private and public sectors more so than nurturin’ and sustainin’ its workin’ class by providin’ progressive opportunities ter benefit the bloody community and economy at-large.

Workin’ for meself weren’t easy, right, and I set out ter accomplish such frough a national recession wile ‘elpin’ clients survive on less than apt budgets. Many contacts lost Uncle Bobs and relocated out of state, wile companies and families broke dahn and shut their doors in broad daylight. The recession ‘ad a direct effect on almost evry geezer I know.

Lessons learned from self-employment freed me from the bloomin’ prison-like experience tolerated durin’ the first decade of me career wivin corporate ad departments and firms. The “Andy ‘oorehall” experiment allowed me ter produce and publish me own work wivin various media outlets under a pleffora of additional nom de plumes wivout bein’ constrained by corporate contracts. It provided a judgement-free vessel ter assist and direct peers and clients wiv bringing their passion projects ter life as well.

Should yer need proof of versatility and talent—dig ’round me site navigation menu ter peruse frough an extensive portfolio, gallery store, right, audio and video, as well as links and URLs of published work wivin all medias.

So it is and ‘ere we are now, togeffer at the end—the end of me bio abruptly begins now. There is no way ter properly summarize for yer—for free on the chuffin’ internet—how talented, right, skilled, kind, amazin’, right, intelligent and good ‘ave a lookin’ I am. A fantastic loaf of bread of ‘air motched only by an incredibly ‘igh metabolism. I eat wotever I want to—shitty food, fast food, right, gluten-free food, right, dirt, potatoes. Yer name it.

The bloody advertisin’ and marketin’ industry is shallow and sadistic—more so than, say, right, the bleedin’ prostitution and gamblin’ industries. It’s overfilled wiv ad firm ownin’ scumbags and egomaniacs, sales sluts and con Uncle Bobs ‘oo are all sellin’ low-rent ideas and clever lies for skyrise profits. Need proof, then? ‘Ave a look at a Big Mac sandwich or us nation’s President—his entire life and career is defined by smoke and mirror marketin’, wile the Big Mac is Queen Bessed wiv shit. Boff are feedin’ billions of blokes worldwide. Shit for shit, paid for and marketed by bozos and bimbos.

The bloody keys ter achievin’ $uccess in America ain’t accomplished wiv Kindness and Work Effic anymore—that’s been me realization and two-decade experience in Rockford, right, Illinois. Yer can’t ‘ave a knees-up wivout a joanna. I can tell yer that $uccess, right, weffer yer define such as bein’ a financial or emotional fin’ that yor seekin’, right, is most likely achieved by practicin’ the simple art of business relationship buildin’.

Yer know, right, the usual steps: Shovelin’ out generous amounts of ‘igh-Priced Lies, Masterin’ Sinuosity, Ass Kissin’, Goin’ on Positive and Doin’ Negative, right, Slifferin’ into Municipal and Taxpayer funded projects wile Sittin’ Hammer and tack to Earn, Earn, Earn wile uvvers produce the work yor rewarded for at minimum wages—doin’ so all wile ensurin’ that ample amounts of Ineptitude and Ignorance are Cleverly Shrouded in Pride, Praise and Mediocrity.

Phew, breaffe! Oi!

Yor correct ter assume or judge that I don’t respond too well ter the bloody behaviors of scumbags, right, egomaniacs, sales sluts and con Uncle Bobs. Didn’t want ter say it, right, but there it is, right, right ‘ere on the bloody internet—the God’s ‘onest orful truff, right, recklessly crapped out onto yor James Deans and all of it FREE! Struth! Free, honest info sent from the bowels of me fingertips into the intellectual void that is connected by digital magic!

Wiv that above admission I’ll lastly state: I’m bloody well always open ter new opportunities and ideas wich allows me ter work wiv like-minded individuals—to provide influence, and more importantly, to be influenced in return.

(Reminder: No scumbags, ponies, right, sluts, con Uncle Bobs and ‘ornets. Only genuine, right, hard workin’, kind, respectful, effical and intelligent blokes. Dark ‘umour and adventurous tastes in music and books are pluses.) 

Please fill out the bloomin’ form below if yer possess sumfink serious or absurd ter contact me about. Thank yer for yor time, all of it—wasted—right ‘ere on the bloomin’ internet.

So it is ‘n hehe you are again on de innernet, uh, surfigg around, uh uh uh uh, clickigg ‘n scrolligg, seekigg free inf’mashun bou’ an incredib talentid and handsome life. Um uh.May the, uh uh uh, followigg text entry suffice pryigg—and often creepy—need t’ know more bou’ indibiduals such as myself dat may or may not libe ‘n work by our own set of rules.

Shall webuh begin, duh…uh…?

Danksgibigg Day is proclaimid by President George Washiggton at de rekest of Congress in 1789, while George H. Bush’s son, George W., is annoussd the, uh, the winneh of de Florida Eleckoral botigg results all while losigg de nashun’s popular bote f’ de dgob title of “President of de Utid States” in de year 2000.

Each ebent shares the, uhhh, day I was born—also note dat each ebent marks a fascinatigg examble of pribilegid peoble takigg c’plete adbantage of poor peoble t’ ackire what is not dgust deirs t’ habe.

Mobigg on.

I am neideh a President or a shortsiteed, uh uh uh uh, caucashun inspirid Amehican ebent possessigg long-tehm cultural side-effecks which mehits dis bio’s search engine result on de innernet. Iportant, I am an incredib handsome ‘n talentid human organism accordigg t’ my wife ‘n mommy. What’s the, errr, catch, duh…uh…?

De catch is unf’tunate. I happen t’ reside in an extreme strange, uh uh uh, fildy, corrupt, uh, pobehty–and–nepotism influessd billage callid Rockf’d, uh uh uh uh, Illinois. No worries, duuhhhh, it sounds worse dan it is.

De cultureless ‘n ignorant appeal of such an enbironmin is kite deceibigg on its surface. I’be discobehid much inspirashun from widin the, errr, commuty’s dark bel of workigg class laughs ‘n tears. A world of cruel lucid ideas exist t’ crate new opportuties from—f’ dis is what workigg artists do, ‘n it is what I habe been social conbishunid to do droughout dis life ‘n careeh pad.

De dgourney has not been alone—I’be direcked, uh uh uh uh, produced, uh uh uh uh, published, uh uh uh uh, workid wid ‘n influessd many clients ‘n peehs obeh de past two decades, duuhhhh, which inclubes: Sony/RCA, Ace Harware Corporashun, OMNI Youd, Opshuns Minnesota, Exelon ComEd, uh uh uh uh, Kaney Group LLC, Montel Tech, EM Search Consultigg, ABG, DiscMakehs, duuhhhh, IDOL Records, duuhhhh, Rid Cross, duuhhhh, Can Corporashun of Amehica, Cory Chisel, Richard Ederds, duuhhhh, Margot ‘n De Nucular So & So’s, duuhhhh, Bun E. Carlos (Cheap Trick), Myssehy Room Mastehigg, Dgoyful Noise Records, duuhhhh, Eleckric Dream Records, duuhhhh, Trappeh Schoepp, PHOX, Camehon McGill, Canyon Spells, duuhhhh, Trebor Menear, Miles Nielsen ‘n more.

I’be also been extreme lucky t’ collaborate ‘n probide art direckion wid de assistass of many professhunal workigg cratibes—debelopehs, duuhhhh, programmehs, duuhhhh, photographehs, duuhhhh, bideographehs, duuhhhh, copywritehs, duuhhhh, fine artists—includigg: Brian Milo, Mike Graham, Ryan Dabis, duuhhhh, Brit Elrick, Nels Akehlund, uh uh uh uh, Bart Bishoff, uh uh uh uh uh, Peteh Meha, Sarah Daniel Stewart, uh, Dgabieh Dgiminez, Dgesus Correa, Dgason Baughn, Olibeh Botfeldt, uh, Bladimir Samardzic, Dgohn Christian Andehson, Brad Rapp, Brian Diamond, uh uh uh uh, Maya Dgobanobich, Daniel Murphy ‘n more.

(Sorry f’ f’gettigg abbishunal names—dehe is little time f’ editigg hehe.)

[Inseht Educashun Nonsense—I cudd tell you bou’ my Bachelor’s degree, uh uh uh, too, ‘n whehe I webuhnt t’ school t’ ackire official documinashun ‘n lifelong debts which habe probid one digg t’ me (and many): what a bonafide Amateur I am f’ workigg so hard t’ ackire such! Doihh, COOL! It took f’ebeh t’ realize dat studyigg ‘n workigg hard possesses hibben clauses f’ success: 1) Be born into pribilege ‘n inhehitass, 2) don’t study ‘n work too hard, uh uh uh uh, 3) screw your peehs obeh, hell, rob peoble blind cuz you can, 4) cuz you are webuhaldy, white, uh uh uh, ‘n an awful human beigg, ‘n 5), nebeh shy away from showigg off your less–dan–abehage readigg ‘n writigg skills, duuhhhh, meanigg, go t’ bat f’ poor grammar while damnigg ‘n labeligg dose who read books ‘n write c’plete sentesss as beigg “elitists” or “libetards”—and life will be ok. See Mr. Don Trump as an examble. Hell, look at Congress ‘n in your own commuties. Ignorass is winnigg. What a tehrib lucid time t’ be cognitibe, uh uh uh, intelligent, uh, litehate, uh uh uh, hard-workigg ‘n poor. So, yep, I habe a college degree ‘n it’s one of the, uhhh, dumbehest financial mistakes I’be made which has resultid in a less–dan–zeho ROI. Gawlly!Sigg it, uh, “F’ he’s a dgol good fellow! Doihh, COOL!” Repeat, uh, “Brabo! Doihh, COOL!”—End Educashun Nonsense]

Dehe isn’t a sole, uh uh uh, accurate title t’ pigeonhole my careeh, skill set, uh, ‘n life wid. Cratibe Direckor ‘n Artist are close, uh uh uh, but not accurate ‘n siggular. Testimonials from peehs ‘n clients I’be close workid wid obeh de years come close t’ definigg charackeh ‘n work process—howebuhbeh, the, uh, the work still says it all in the, uh, end. 

Corporate-consehbatibe marketigg boredom combinid wid a neid f’ new opportuties lid me into launchigg a commehcial artist brand, uh uh uh uh, Andy Whorehall, in 2004. Dis plan has reerdid many challengigg clients, duuhhhh, probuhjecks ‘n campaigns while establishigg repeck outside of Illinois f’ my direckion ‘n skills. Dis plan also local markid me in recent years—ad firms fear me, uh uh uh, my lowebuhr rates ‘n lack of obehhead, uh uh uh uh, as my talent, uh, expehtise ‘n leadehship skills replaces deir entire bidness ‘n staff.

Corporate accounts contrackid obeh de years habe sabid hundreds of dousands of dollars workigg wid me bs. deir prebious annual marketigg contrack arrangemins. Duh, how so, duh…uh…? I’ll gibe you one examble while keepigg de rest of de magic t’ myself: I don’t conbuck mornigg, lunch, or dinneh meetigg-bendehs, duuhhhh, I don’t golf or kiss ass, duuhhhh, ‘n I don’t hide dose expenses inside of probuhjeck tasks ‘n abbishunal bujet fees. Dat is what ad firms do—dat is not what I do. DOIHH!It’s a waste of ebehyone’s time ‘n money.

If an ad firm tells you dat it will take 6 monds t’ c’plete a probuhjeck at a cehtain rate—it’s bullshit. I can acc’plish the, ERRRR, same goals in half the, duh uhh, time or much less, duuhhhh, wid behy little obehheads at a few weebuhks at best, uh, ‘n de best part: f’ half deir rates. Ebehy siggle time. Um uh.I’be sad expehiessd what it is like t’ work f’ a scumbehag adbehtisigg ‘n marketigg firm dat obehcharges its clients in ordeh f’ ownehship t’ endgoy deir real estate ‘n stock portfolios growd, along wid golf oootigg steak ‘n cocaine bendehs, duuhhhh, breakfast, uh, lunch ‘n dinneh meetiggs disguisid as booze-inducid excuses t’ conbuck sales ‘n contrack closures. Anyone readigg in dinkigg, “Uh, dat hasn’t been my expehiess,” great, uh, you got lucky. It has been my expehiess, ‘n it suckid ebehy logical reason t’ work f’ anodeh ad firm ‘n de bozos dat walk dose walls out of me.

It’s iportant t’ state such medods t’ my careeh’s sustainabiltiby fackor cuz of whehe I’m rooted. Um uh.It’s a tough region dat regressibe reerds ignorass ‘n old-world pribilege droughout de pribate ‘n public seckors more so dan nurturigg ‘n sustainigg its workigg class by probidigg progressibe opportuties t’ benebit the, errr, commuty ‘n economy at-large.

Workigg f’ myself wun’t not easy, ‘n I set out t’ acc’plish such drough a nashunal recesshun while helpigg clients surbibe on less dan app bujets. Many contacks lost dgobs ‘n relocatid out of state, uh uh uh, while c’panies ‘n families broke down ‘n shut deir doors in broad daylite. Lee me lone!De recesshun had a direck effeck on almost ebehyone I know.

Lessons learnid from self-employmin freid me from de prison-like expehiess tolehatid durigg the, uh uh uh, first decade of my careeh widin corporate ad departmins ‘n firms. De “Andy Whorehall” expehimin allowebuhd me t’ produce ‘n publish my own work widin barous media outlets undeh a bledora of abbishunal nom de plumes widout beigg constrainid by corporate contracks. GEE danks.It probidid a dgujemin-free bessel t’ assist ‘n direck peehs ‘n clients wid briggigg deir passhun probuhjecks t’ life as webuhll.

Shudd you neid proof of behsatiltiby ‘n talent—dig around my site nabigashun menu t’ pehuse drough an extensibe portfolio, gallehy store, uh uh uh, audio ‘n bideo, as webuhll as links ‘n URLs of publishid work widin all medias.

So it is ‘n hehe webuh are now, uh uh uh uh uh uh, togedeh at the, uh, end—the, uh, end of my bio abrupt begins now. Dehe is no way t’ propeh summarize f’ you—f’ free on de innernet—how talented, uh uh uh uh, skilled, uh uh uh uh, kind, uh uh uh uh, amazigg, intelligent ‘n good lookigg I am. A fantastic gord of hair matchid on by an incredib high metabolism. I eat whatebeh I want to—shitty food, uh uh uh uh, fast food, uh uh uh uh, glootn-free food, uh uh uh uh, dirt, uh, potatoes. Duh, you name it.

De adbehtisigg ‘n marketigg industry is shallow ‘n sadistic—more so dan, say, de prostititition ‘n gambligg industries. Lee me lone!It’s obehfillid wid ad firm ownigg scumbehags ‘n egomaniacs, duuhhhh, sales sluts ‘n con dgobs who are all selligg low-rent ideas ‘n clebeh lies f’ skyrise profits. Neid proof, duh…uh…? Look at a Big Mac sandwich or our nashun’s President—his entire life ‘n careeh is definid by smoke ‘n mirror marketigg, while de Big Mac is processid wid shit. Bod are feedigg billions of peoble worldwide. Shit f’ shit, uh, paid f’ ‘n marketid by bozos ‘n bimbos.

De keys t’ achiebigg $uccess in Amehica are not acc’plishid wid Kindness ‘n Work Edic no more—dat’s been my realizashun ‘n two-decade expehiess in Rockf’d, uh uh uh uh, Illinois. I can tell you dat $uccess, duuhhhh, whedeh you define such as beigg a financial or emoshunal digg dat you’re seekigg, is most like achiebid by prackicigg the, ERRRR, siple art of bidness relashunship buildigg.

You know, uh uh uh uh uh uh, de usual steps: Shobeligg out genehous amounts of High-Pricid Lies, duuhhhh, Mastehigg Sinuosity, Ass Kissigg, Talkigg Positibe ‘n Doigg Negatibe, uh uh uh, Slidehigg into Mucipal ‘n Taxpayeh fundid probuhjecks while Sittigg Back t’ Earn, Earn, Earn while odehs produce the, uh, the work you’re reerdid f’ at mimum wages—doigg so all while ensurigg dat amble amounts of Ineptitude ‘n Ignorass are Clebeh Shroudid in Pride, uh uh uh, Praise ‘n Mediokity.

Phew, uh uh uh uh uh uh, breade! Huh huh!

You are correck t’ assume or dguje dat I don’t repond too webuhll t’ de behabiors of scumbehags, duuhhhh, egomaniacs, duuhhhh, sales sluts ‘n con dgobs. Didn’t want t’ say it, uh, but dehe it is, duuhhhh, rite hehe on de innernet—de God’s honest awful trud, reckless crappid out onto your screens ‘n all of it FREE! Doihh, COOL! Free, uh uh uh, honest data sent from de bowebuhls of my figgehtips into de intelleckual boid dat is conneckid by digital magic! Doihh, COOL!

Wid dat abobe admisshun I’ll last state: I’m allays open t’ new opportuties ‘n ideas which allows me t’ work wid like-mindid indibiduals—to probide influess, ‘n more iportant, t’ be influessd in return.

(Remindeh: No scumbehags, duuhhhh, ponies, duuhhhh, sluts, duuhhhh, con dgobs ‘n hornets, GEEEHEEHEEE.On genuine, uh uh uh, hard workigg, kind, uh uh uh uh, repeckful, edical ‘n intelligent peoble. Lee me lone!Dark humour ‘n adbenturous tastes in music ‘n books are pluses.)

Please fill out the, uh uh uh, form below if you possess somedigg sehious or absurd t’ contack me bou’. Dank you f’ your time, uh uh uh, all of it—wasted—rite hehe on de innernet.

So it is an’ hyar yer agin on th’ internet, surfin’ aroun’, clickin’ an’ scrollin’, seekin’ free info’mashun about an incredibly talented an’ hansum life. May th’ follerin’ text intry suffice pryin’óan’ offen creepyóneeds t’knows mo’e about indivijools sech as mahse’f thet may o’ may not live an’ wawk by our own set of rules.

Shall we begin?

Thanksgivin’ Day is proclaimed by President Jedidiah Warshin’ton at th’ requess of Congress in 1789, while Jedidiah H. Bush’s son, Jedidiah W., is announced th’ winner of th’ Flo’ida Elecko’al votin’ results all while losin’ th’ nashun’s popular vote fo’ th’ job title of “President of th’ United States” in th’ year 2000.

Etch event shares th’ day ah was born an’ raisedóalso note thet etch event marks a fascinatin’ example of privileged varmints takin’ complete advantage of pore varmints t’acquire whut is not jestly theirs t’have.

Movin’ on, as enny fool kin plainly see.

ah’s neifer a President o’ a sho’tsighted, caucashun inspired South Car’linan event postessin’ long-term cultural side-effecks which merits this hyar bio’s search ingine result on th’ internet. Impo’tantly, ah’s an incredibly hansum an’ talented hoomin o’ganism acco’din’ t’mah wife an’ Mammy. Whut in tarnation’s th’ ketch?

Th’ ketch is unfo’tunate. ah happen t’reside in an extremely peekoolyar, filthy, co’rupp, povahtyñan’ñnepotism influenced village called Rockfo’d, Illinois. No wo’ries, it soun’s wo’se than it is.
Th’ cultureless an’ igno’ant appeal of sech an invironment is quite deceivin’ on its surface. I’ve discovahed much inspirashun fum wifin th’ community’s dark belly of wawkin’ class laughs an’ tears. A wo’ld of cruelly lucid ideas exist t’create noo oppo’tunities fumófo’ this hyar is whut wawkin’ artists does, an’ it is whut ah have been socially corndishuned t’do throughout this hyar life an’ career path.

Th’ journey has not been aloneóI’ve direcked, prodooced, published, wawked wif an’ influenced menny clients an’ peers on over th’ past two decades, which includes: Sony/RCA, Ace Hardware Co’po’ashun, OMNah Yo’th, Opshuns Minnesota, Exelon ComEd, Kaney Group LLC, Montel Tech, EM Search Consultin’, ABG, DiscMakers, IDOL Reco’ds, Red Crost, Kin Co’po’ashun of South Car’lina, Co’y Chisel, Richard Edwards, Margot an’ Th’ Nucular So & So’s, Bun E. Carlos (Cheap Trick), Mahstery Room Masterin’, Joyful Noise Reco’ds, Eleckric Dream Reco’ds, Trapper Schoepp, PHOX, Cameron McGill, Kinyon Spells, Trevo’ Menear, Miles Nielsen an’ mo’e.

I’ve also been extremely lucky t’collabo’ate an’ provide art direckshun wif th’ assistance of menny professhunal wawkin’ creativesódevelopers, programmers, photographers, videographers, copywriters, fine artistsóincludin’: Brian Milo, Ichabod Graham, Ryan Davis, Brit Elrick, Nels Akerlund, Bart Bishoff, Peter Mera, Sareeh Daniel Stewart, Javier Jiminez, Jesus Co’rea, Jason Vaughn, Olivah Botfeldt, Vladimir Samardzic, John-Boy Jedtian An’erson, Brad Rapp, Brian Diamond, Maya Jovanovich, Daniel Murphy an’ mo’e.

(So’ry fo’ fo’gittin’ addishunal namesóthar is li’l time fo’ editin’ hyar.)

[Insert Ejoocayshun Fiddlesticksó ah c’d tell yo’ about mah Bachelo”s degree, too, an’ whar ah went t’skoo t’acquire official docoomntashun an’ lifelong debts which haf proved one thin’ t’me (an’ menny): whut a bonafide Amateur ah’s fo’ wawkin’ so hard t’acquire sech! Fry mah hide! It took fo’evah t’reckanize thet studyin’ an’ wawkin’ hard postesses hidden clauses fo’ success: 1) Be born an’ raised into privilege an’ inheritance, 2) doesn’t study an’ wawk too hard, 3) screw yer peers on over, hell, rob varmints blind on account o’ yo’ kin, 4) on account o’ yer wealthy, white, an’ an awful hoomin bein’, an’ 5), nevah shy away fum showin’ off yer lessñthanñavahage readin’ an’ writin’ skills, meanin’, hoof it to bat fo’ pore grammar while dadburnin’ an’ labelin’ them who read books an’ write complete sentences as bein’ “elitists” o’ “libetards”óan’ life will be ok. Shet mah mouth! See Mr. Don Trump as an example. Hell, look at Congress an’ in yer own communities. Igno’ance is winnin’. Whut in tarnation a terribly lucid time t’be cognitive, intellyjunt, literate, hard-wawkin’ an’ pore. So, yep, ah have a college degree an’ it’s one of th’ dumbess financial mistakes I’ve made which has resulted in a lessñthanñzero ROI. Sin’ it, “Fo’ he’s a jolly fine feller! Fry mah hide!” Repeat, “Bravo! Fry mah hide!” ó End Ejoocayshun Fiddlesticks]

Thar ain’t a sole, accurate title t’pigeonhole mah career, skill set, an’ life wif. Creative Direcko’ an’ Artist is close, but not accurate an’ sin’ular. Testimonials fum peers an’ clients I’ve closely wawked wif on over th’ years come close t’definin’ chareecker an’ wawk processóhowevah, th’ wawk still says it all in th’ end, cuss it all t’ tarnation. 

Co’po’ate-cornservative marketin’ bo’edom combined wif a need fo’ noo oppo’tunities led me into launchin’ a commercial artist bran’, Colonel Bob Who’ehall, in 2004. This hyar plan has rewarded menny challengin’ clients, projecks an’ campaigns while establishin’ respeck outside of Illinois fo’ mah direckshun an’ skills. This hyar plan also locally marked me in recent yearsóad firms fear me, mah lower rates an’ lack of on overhaid, as mah talent, expertise an’ leadership skills replaces their intire business an’ staff.

Co’po’ate accounts corntracked on over th’ years haf saved hundreds of thousan’s of dollars wawkin’ wif me vs. their previous annual marketin’ corntrack arrangements. How so? I’ll give yo’ one example while keepin’ th’ ress of th’ magic t’mahse’f: ah doesn’t cornduck mo’nin’, lunch, o’ dinner meetin’-benners, ah doesn’t go’f o’ kiss ass, an’ ah doesn’t hide them expenses inside of projeck taxs an’ addishunal budgit fees. Thet is whut ad firms doóthet is not whut ah do. It’s a waste of ev’ryone’s time an’ money.

Eff’n an ad firm tells yo’ thet it will take 6 months t’complete a projeck at a sartin rateóit’s bullshit. ah can accomplish th’ same goals in ha’f th’ time o’ much less, wif mighty li’l on overhaids at a few weeks at best, an’ th’ bess part: fo’ ha’f their rates. Ev’ry sin’le time. I’ve sadly experienced whut it is like t’wawk fo’ a scumbag advahtisin’ an’ marketin’ firm thet on overcharges its clients in o’der fo’ ownyship t’enjoy their real estate an’ stock po’tfolios growth, along wif go’f outin’ steak an’ cocaine benners, bustfast, lunch an’ dinner meetin’s disguised as booze-indooced excuses t’conduck sales an’ corntrack closures. Ennyone readin’ in reckonin’, “Uh, thet hain’t been mah experience,” great, yo’ got lucky. It has been mah experience, an’ it sucked ev’ry logical reason t’wawk fo’ t’other ad firm an’ th’ bozos thet walk them walls outta me.

It’s impo’tant t’state sech methods t’mah career’s sestainability facko’ on account o’ of whar ah’s rooted, cuss it all t’ tarnation. It’s a tough region thet regressively rewards igno’ance an’ old-wo’ld privilege throughout th’ private an’ public secko’s mo’e so than nurturin’ an’ sestainin’ its wawkin’ class by providin’ progressive oppo’tunities t’benefit th’ community an’ economah at-large.

Wawkin’ fo’ mahse’f warn’t easy, an’ ah set out t’accomplish sech through a nashunal recesshun while he’pin’ clients survive on less than app budgits. Menny corntacks lost jobs an’ relocated outta state, while companies an’ families busted down an’ shet their dores in broad daylight. Th’ recesshun had a direck effeck on almost ev’ryone ah know.

Lessons larned fum se’f-employment freed me fum th’ prison-like experience tolerated durin’ th’ fust decade of mah career wifin co’po’ate ad departments an’ firms. Th’ “Colonel Bob Who’ehall” experiment allered me t’prodooce an’ publish mah own wawk wifin various media outlets unner a pletho’a of addishunal nom de plooms wifout bein’ cornstrained by co’po’ate corntracks. It provided a judgement-free vessel t’assist an’ direck peers an’ clients wif brin’in’ their passhun projecks t’life as fine.

Sh’d yo’ need proof of vahsatility an’ talentódig aroun’ mah site navigashun menu t’peruse through an extensive po’tfolio, gallery sto’e, audio an’ video, as fine as links an’ URLs of published wawk wifin all medias.

So it is an’ hyar we is now, togither at th’ endóth’ end of mah bio abrupply begins now. Thar is no way t’proper summarize fo’ yo’ófo’ free on th’ internetóhow talented, skilled, kind, amazin’, intellyjunt an’ fine lookin’ ah’s. A fantastic haid of hair matched only by an incredibly high metabolism, dawgone it. ah eat whutevah ah’s hankerin’ toóshitty grub, fast grub, gluten-free grub, dirt, patootees. Yo’ name it.

Th’ advahtisin’ an’ marketin’ indestry is shaller an’ sadisticómo’e so than, say, th’ prosteetooshun an’ gamblin’ indestries. It’s on overfilled wif ad firm ownin’ scumbags an’ egomaniacs, sales sluts an’ corn jobs who is all sellin’ low-rent ideas an’ clevah lies fo’ skyrise profits. Need proof? Look at a Trimenjus Mac san’wich o’ our nashun’s Presidentóhis intire life an’ career is defined by smoke an’ mirro’ marketin’, while th’ Trimenjus Mac is processed wif shit. Both is feedin’ billions of varmints wo’ldwide. Shit fo’ shit, paid fo’ an’ marketed by bozos an’ bimbos.

Th’ keys t’achievin’ $uccess in South Car’lina is not accomplished wif Kindness an’ Wawk Ethic ennymo’eóthass been mah realizashun an’ two-decade experience in Rockfo’d, Illinois. ah can tell yo’ thet $uccess, whether yo’ define sech as bein’ a financial o’ emoshunal thin’ thet yer seekin’, is most likely achieved by prackicin’ th’ simple art of business relashunship buildin’.

Yo’ know, th’ usual steps: Shovelin’ out junerous amounts of High-Priced Lies, Masterin’ Sinuosity, Ass Kissin’, Talkin’ Positive an’ Doin’ Negative, Sliferin’ into Municipal an’ Taxpayer funded projecks while Sittin’ Back t’Arn, Arn, Arn while others prodooce th’ wawk yer rewarded fo’ at minimum wagesódoin’ so all while insurin’ thet ample amounts of Ineppitude an’ Igno’ance is Clevahly Shrouded in Pride, Praise an’ Mediocrity.

Phew, breathe!

Yer co’reck t’assoom o’ judge thet ah doesn’t respond too fine t’th’ behavio’s of scumbags, egomaniacs, sales sluts an’ corn jobs. Didn’t be hankerin’ t’say it, but thar it is, right hyar on th’ internetóth’ God’s honess awful truth, recklessly crapped out onto yer screens an’ all of it FREE! Fry mah hide! Free, honess data sent fum th’ bowels of mah fingertips into th’ intelleckual void thet is cornnecked by digital magic! Fry mah hide!

Wif thet above admisshun I’ll lastly state: ah’s allus open t’noo oppo’tunities an’ ideas which allers me t’wawk wif like-minded indivijoolsóto provide influence, an’ mo’e impo’tantly, t’be influenced in return, as enny fool kin plainly see.

(Reminner: No scumbags, ponies, sluts, corn jobs an’ ho’nets. Only junuine, hard wawkin’, kind, respeckful, ethical an’ intellyjunt varmints. Dark hoomour an’ adventurous tastes in moosic an’ books is pluses.) 

Please fill out th’ fo’m below eff’n yo’ postess sumpin serious o’ absurd t’contack me about. Thank yo’ fo’ yer time, all of itówastedóright hyar on th’ internet.

Osay ityay isyay andyay erehay youay areyay againyay onyay ethay internetyay, urfingsay aroundyay, ickingclay andyay ollingscray, eekingsay eefray informationyay aboutyay anyay incrediblyyay alentedtay andyay andsomehay ifelay. Aymay ethay ollowingfay exttay entryyay ufficesay yingpray—andyay oftenyay eepycray—eedsnay otay owknay oremay aboutyay individualsyay uchsay asyay yselfmay atthay aymay oryay aymay otnay ivelay andyay orkway ybay ouryay ownyay etsay ofyay ulesray.

Allshay eway eginbay?

Anksgivingthay Ayday isyay oclaimedpray ybay Esidentpray Eorgegay Ashingtonway atyay ethay equestray ofyay Ongresscay inyay 1789, ilewhay Eorgegay hay. Ush’sbay onsay, Eorgegay way., isyay announcedyay ethay innerway ofyay ethay Oridaflay Electoralyay otingvay esultsray allyay ilewhay osinglay ethay ation’snay opularpay otevay orfay ethay objay itletay ofyay “Esidentpray ofyay ethay Unitedyay Atesstay” inyay ethay yearay 2000.

Eachyay eventyay aresshay ethay ayday Iyay asway ornbay—alsoyay otenay atthay eachyay eventyay arksmay ayay ascinatingfay exampleyay ofyay ivilegedpray eoplepay akingtay ompletecay advantageyay ofyay oorpay eoplepay otay acquireyay atwhay isyay otnay ustlyjay eirsthay otay avehay.

Ovingmay onyay.

Iyay amyay eithernay ayay Esidentpray oryay ayay ortsightedshay, aucasioncay inspiredyay Americanyay eventyay ossessingpay ong-termlay ulturalcay ide-effectssay ichwhay eritsmay isthay io’sbay earchsay engineyay esultray onyay ethay internetyay. Importantlyyay, Iyay amyay anyay incrediblyyay andsomehay andyay alentedtay umanhay organismyay accordingyay otay ymay ifeway andyay ommymay. At’swhay ethay atchcay?

Ethay atchcay isyay unfortunateyay. Iyay appenhay otay esideray inyay anyay extremelyyay angestray, ilthyfay, orruptcay, overtypay–andyay–epotismnay influencedyay illagevay alledcay Ockfordray, Illinoisyay. Onay orriesway, ityay oundssay orseway anthay ityay isyay.

Ethay ulturelesscay andyay ignorantyay appealyay ofyay uchsay anyay environmentyay isyay uiteqay eceivingday onyay itsyay urfacesay. I’veyay iscoveredday uchmay inspirationyay omfray ithinway ethay ommunity’scay arkday ellybay ofyay orkingway assclay aughslay andyay earstay. Ayay orldway ofyay uellycray ucidlay ideasyay existyay otay eatecray ewnay opportunitiesyay omfray—orfay isthay isyay atwhay orkingway artistsyay oday, andyay ityay isyay atwhay Iyay avehay eenbay ociallysay onditionedcay otay oday oughoutthray isthay ifelay andyay areercay athpay.

Ethay ourneyjay ashay otnay eenbay aloneyay—I’veyay irectedday, oducedpray, ublishedpay, orkedway ithway andyay influencedyay anymay ientsclay andyay eerspay overyay ethay astpay otway ecadesday, ichwhay includesyay: Onysay/ARCAY, Aceyay Ardwarehay Orporationcay, OMNIyay Youthay, Optionsyay Innesotamay, Exelonyay OmEdcay, Aneykay Oupgray lLCay, Ontelmay Echtay, EMyay Earchsay Onsultingcay, ABGyay, IscMakersday, IDOLyay Ecordsray, Edray Osscray, Ancay Orporationcay ofyay Americayay, Orycay Iselchay, Ichardray Edwardsyay, Argotmay andyay Ethay Uclearnay Osay & O’ssay, Unbay Eyay. Arloscay (Eapchay Icktray), Ysterymay Oomray Asteringmay, Oyfuljay Oisenay Ecordsray, Electricyay Eamdray Ecordsray, Appertray Oeppschay, OXPHAY, Ameroncay IllmcGay, Anyoncay Ellsspay, Evortray Enearmay, Ilesmay Ielsennay andyay oremay.

I’veyay alsoyay eenbay extremelyyay uckylay otay ollaboratecay andyay ovidepray artyay irectionday ithway ethay assistanceyay ofyay anymay ofessionalpray orkingway eativescray—evelopersday, ogrammerspray, otographersphay, ideographersvay, opywriterscay, inefay artistsyay—includingyay: Ianbray Ilomay, Ikemay Ahamgray, Yanray Avisday, Itbray Elrickyay, Elsnay Akerlundyay, Artbay Ishoffbay, Eterpay Eramay, Arahsay Anielday Ewartstay, Avierjay Iminezjay, Esusjay Orreacay, Asonjay Aughnvay, Oliveryay Otfeldtbay, Adimirvlay Amardzicsay, Ohnjay Istianchray Andersonyay, Adbray Appray, Ianbray Iamondday, Ayamay Ovanovichjay, Anielday Urphymay andyay oremay.

(Orrysay orfay orgettingfay additionalyay amesnay—erethay isyay ittlelay imetay orfay editingyay erehay.)

[Insertyay Educationyay Onsensenay—Iyay ouldcay elltay youay aboutyay ymay Achelor’sbay egreeday, ootay, andyay erewhay Iyay entway otay oolschay otay acquireyay officialyay ocumentationday andyay ifelonglay ebtsday ichwhay avehay ovedpray oneyay ingthay otay emay (andyay anymay): atwhay ayay onafidebay Amateuryay Iyay amyay orfay orkingway osay ardhay otay acquireyay uchsay! Ityay ooktay oreverfay otay ealizeray atthay udyingstay andyay orkingway ardhay ossessespay iddenhay ausesclay orfay uccesssay: 1) Ebay ornbay intoyay ivilegepray andyay inheritanceyay, 2) on’tday udystay andyay orkway ootay ardhay, 3) ewscray youray eerspay overyay, ellhay, obray eoplepay indblay ecausebay youay ancay, 4) ecausebay youay areyay ealthyway, itewhay, andyay anyay awfulyay umanhay eingbay, andyay 5), evernay yshay awayyay omfray owingshay offyay youray esslay–anthay–averageyay eadingray andyay itingwray illsskay, eaningmay, ogay otay atbay orfay oorpay ammargray ilewhay amningday andyay abelinglay osethay owhay eadray ooksbay andyay itewray ompletecay entencessay asyay eingbay “elitistsyay” oryay “ibetardslay”—andyay ifelay illway ebay okyay. Eesay mray. Onday Umptray asyay anyay exampleyay. Ellhay, ooklay atyay Ongresscay andyay inyay youray ownyay ommunitiescay. Ignoranceyay isyay inningway. Atwhay ayay erriblytay ucidlay imetay otay ebay ognitivecay, intelligentyay, iteratelay, ard-workinghay andyay oorpay. Osay, yepay, Iyay avehay ayay ollegecay egreeday andyay it’syay oneyay ofyay ethay umbestday inancialfay istakesmay I’veyay ademay ichwhay ashay esultedray inyay ayay esslay–anthay–erozay OIRAY. Ingsay ityay, “Orfay e’shay ayay ollyjay oodgay ellowfay!” Epeatray, “Avobray!”—Endyay Educationyay Onsensenay]

Erethay isn’tyay ayay olesay, accurateyay itletay otay igeonholepay ymay areercay, illskay etsay, andyay ifelay ithway. Eativecray Irectorday andyay Artistyay areyay oseclay, utbay otnay accurateyay andyay ingularsay. Estimonialstay omfray eerspay andyay ientsclay I’veyay oselyclay orkedway ithway overyay ethay yearsay omecay oseclay otay efiningday aracterchay andyay orkway ocesspray—oweverhay, ethay orkway illstay ayssay ityay allyay inyay ethay endyay.

Orporate-conservativecay arketingmay oredombay ombinedcay ithway ayay eednay orfay ewnay opportunitiesyay edlay emay intoyay aunchinglay ayay ommercialcay artistyay andbray, Andyyay Orehallwhay, inyay 2004. Isthay anplay ashay ewardedray anymay allengingchay ientsclay, ojectspray andyay ampaignscay ilewhay establishingyay espectray outsideyay ofyay Illinoisyay orfay ymay irectionday andyay illsskay. Isthay anplay alsoyay ocallylay arkedmay emay inyay ecentray yearsay—adyay irmsfay earfay emay, ymay owerlay atesray andyay acklay ofyay overheadyay, asyay ymay alenttay, expertiseyay andyay eadershiplay illsskay eplacesray eirthay entireyay usinessbay andyay affstay.

Orporatecay accountsyay ontractedcay overyay ethay yearsay avehay avedsay undredshay ofyay ousandsthay ofyay ollarsday orkingway ithway emay vsay. eirthay eviouspray annualyay arketingmay ontractcay arrangementsyay. Owhay osay? I’llyay ivegay youay oneyay exampleyay ilewhay eepingkay ethay estray ofyay ethay agicmay otay yselfmay: Iyay on’tday onductcay orningmay, unchlay, oryay innerday eeting-bendersmay, Iyay on’tday olfgay oryay isskay assyay, andyay Iyay on’tday idehay osethay expensesyay insideyay ofyay ojectpray askstay andyay additionalyay udgetbay eesfay. Atthay isyay atwhay adyay irmsfay oday—atthay isyay otnay atwhay Iyay oday. It’syay ayay asteway ofyay everyone’syay imetay andyay oneymay.

Ifyay anyay adyay irmfay ellstay youay atthay ityay illway aketay 6 onthsmay otay ompletecay ayay ojectpray atyay ayay ertaincay ateray—it’syay ullshitbay. Iyay ancay accomplishyay ethay amesay oalsgay inyay alfhay ethay imetay oryay uchmay esslay, ithway eryvay ittlelay overheadsyay atyay ayay ewfay eeksway atyay estbay, andyay ethay estbay artpay: orfay alfhay eirthay atesray. Everyyay inglesay imetay. I’veyay adlysay experiencedyay atwhay ityay isyay ikelay otay orkway orfay ayay umbagscay advertisingyay andyay arketingmay irmfay atthay overchargesyay itsyay ientsclay inyay orderyay orfay ownershipyay otay enjoyyay eirthay ealray estateyay andyay ockstay ortfoliospay owthgray, alongyay ithway olfgay outingyay eakstay andyay ocainecay endersbay, eakfastbray, unchlay andyay innerday eetingsmay isguisedday asyay ooze-inducedbay excusesyay otay onductcay alessay andyay ontractcay osuresclay. Anyoneyay eadingray inyay inkingthay, “Uhyay, atthay asn’thay eenbay ymay experienceyay,” eatgray, youay otgay uckylay. Ityay ashay eenbay ymay experienceyay, andyay ityay uckedsay everyyay ogicallay easonray otay orkway orfay anotheryay adyay irmfay andyay ethay ozosbay atthay alkway osethay allsway outyay ofyay emay.

It’syay importantyay otay atestay uchsay ethodsmay otay ymay areer’scay ustainabilitysay actorfay ecausebay ofyay erewhay I’myay ootedray. It’syay ayay oughtay egionray atthay egressivelyray ewardsray ignoranceyay andyay old-worldyay ivilegepray oughoutthray ethay ivatepray andyay ublicpay ectorssay oremay osay anthay urturingnay andyay ustainingsay itsyay orkingway assclay ybay ovidingpray ogressivepray opportunitiesyay otay enefitbay ethay ommunitycay andyay economyyay at-largeyay.

Orkingway orfay yselfmay asn’tway easyyay, andyay Iyay etsay outyay otay accomplishyay uchsay oughthray ayay ationalnay ecessionray ilewhay elpinghay ientsclay urvivesay onyay esslay anthay aptyay udgetsbay. Anymay ontactscay ostlay obsjay andyay elocatedray outyay ofyay atestay, ilewhay ompaniescay andyay amiliesfay okebray ownday andyay utshay eirthay oorsday inyay oadbray aylightday. Ethay ecessionray adhay ayay irectday effectyay onyay almostyay everyoneyay Iyay owknay.

Essonslay earnedlay omfray elf-employmentsay eedfray emay omfray ethay ison-likepray experienceyay oleratedtay uringday ethay irstfay ecadeday ofyay ymay areercay ithinway orporatecay adyay epartmentsday andyay irmsfay. Ethay “Andyyay Orehallwhay” experimentyay allowedyay emay otay oducepray andyay ublishpay ymay ownyay orkway ithinway ariousvay ediamay outletsyay underyay ayay ethoraplay ofyay additionalyay omnay eday umesplay ithoutway eingbay onstrainedcay ybay orporatecay ontractscay. Ityay ovidedpray ayay udgement-freejay esselvay otay assistyay andyay irectday eerspay andyay ientsclay ithway ingingbray eirthay assionpay ojectspray otay ifelay asyay ellway.

Ouldshay youay eednay oofpray ofyay ersatilityvay andyay alenttay—igday aroundyay ymay itesay avigationnay enumay otay erusepay oughthray anyay extensiveyay ortfoliopay, allerygay orestay, audioyay andyay ideovay, asyay ellway asyay inkslay andyay URLsyay ofyay ublishedpay orkway ithinway allyay ediasmay.

Osay ityay isyay andyay erehay eway areyay ownay, ogethertay atyay ethay endyay—ethay endyay ofyay ymay iobay abruptlyyay eginsbay ownay. Erethay isyay onay ayway otay operlypray ummarizesay orfay youay—orfay eefray onyay ethay internetyay—owhay alentedtay, illedskay, indkay, amazingyay, intelligentyay andyay oodgay ookinglay Iyay amyay. Ayay antasticfay eadhay ofyay airhay atchedmay onlyyay ybay anyay incrediblyyay ighhay etabolismmay. Iyay eatyay ateverwhay Iyay antway otay—ittyshay oodfay, astfay oodfay, uten-freeglay oodfay, irtday, otatoespay. Youay amenay ityay.

Ethay advertisingyay andyay arketingmay industryyay isyay allowshay andyay adisticsay—oremay osay anthay, aysay, ethay ostitutionpray andyay amblinggay industriesyay. It’syay overfilledyay ithway adyay irmfay owningyay umbagsscay andyay egomaniacsyay, alessay utsslay andyay oncay obsjay owhay areyay allyay ellingsay ow-rentlay ideasyay andyay everclay ieslay orfay yriseskay ofitspray. Eednay oofpray? Ooklay atyay ayay Igbay Acmay andwichsay oryay ouryay ation’snay Esidentpray—ishay entireyay ifelay andyay areercay isyay efinedday ybay okesmay andyay irrormay arketingmay, ilewhay ethay Igbay Acmay isyay ocessedpray ithway itshay. Othbay areyay eedingfay illionsbay ofyay eoplepay orldwideway. Itshay orfay itshay, aidpay orfay andyay arketedmay ybay ozosbay andyay imbosbay.

Ethay eyskay otay achievingyay $uccessyay inyay Americayay areyay otnay accomplishedyay ithway Indnesskay andyay Orkway Ethicyay anymoreyay—at’sthay eenbay ymay ealizationray andyay o-decadetway experienceyay inyay Ockfordray, Illinoisyay. Iyay ancay elltay youay atthay $uccessyay, etherwhay youay efineday uchsay asyay eingbay ayay inancialfay oryay emotionalyay ingthay atthay you’reay eekingsay, isyay ostmay ikelylay achievedyay ybay acticingpray ethay implesay artyay ofyay usinessbay elationshipray uildingbay.

Youay owknay, ethay usualyay epsstay: Ovelingshay outyay enerousgay amountsyay ofyay Igh-Pricedhay Ieslay, Asteringmay Inuositysay, Assyay Issingkay, Alkingtay Ositivepay andyay Oingday Egativenay, Itheringslay intoyay Unicipalmay andyay Axpayertay undedfay ojectspray ilewhay Ittingsay Ackbay otay Earnyay, Earnyay, Earnyay ilewhay othersyay oducepray ethay orkway you’reay ewardedray orfay atyay inimummay agesway—oingday osay allyay ilewhay ensuringyay atthay ampleyay amountsyay ofyay Ineptitudeyay andyay Ignoranceyay areyay Everlyclay Oudedshray inyay Idepray, Aisepray andyay Ediocritymay.

Ewphay, eathebray!

Youay areyay orrectcay otay assumeyay oryay udgejay atthay Iyay on’tday espondray ootay ellway otay ethay ehaviorsbay ofyay umbagsscay, egomaniacsyay, alessay utsslay andyay oncay obsjay. Idn’tday antway otay aysay ityay, utbay erethay ityay isyay, ightray erehay onyay ethay internetyay—ethay Od’sgay onesthay awfulyay uthtray, ecklesslyray appedcray outyay ontoyay youray eensscray andyay allyay ofyay ityay EEFRAY! Eefray, onesthay ataday entsay omfray ethay owelsbay ofyay ymay ingertipsfay intoyay ethay intellectualyay oidvay atthay isyay onnectedcay ybay igitalday agicmay!

Ithway atthay aboveyay admissionyay I’llyay astlylay atestay: I’myay alwaysyay openyay otay ewnay opportunitiesyay andyay ideasyay ichwhay allowsyay emay otay orkway ithway ike-mindedlay individualsyay—otay ovidepray influenceyay, andyay oremay importantlyyay, otay ebay influencedyay inyay eturnray.

(Eminderray: Onay umbagsscay, oniespay, utsslay, oncay obsjay andyay ornetshay. Onlyyay enuinegay, ardhay orkingway, indkay, espectfulray, ethicalyay andyay intelligentyay eoplepay. Arkday umourhay andyay adventurousyay astestay inyay usicmay andyay ooksbay areyay usesplay.)

Easeplay illfay outyay ethay ormfay elowbay ifyay youay ossesspay omethingsay erioussay oryay absurdyay otay ontactcay emay aboutyay. Ankthay youay orfay youray imetay, allyay ofyay ityay—astedway—ightray erehay onyay ethay internetyay.

So it is and hewe you awe again on the intewnet, suwfing awound, cwicking and scwowwing, seeking fwee infowmation about an incwedibwy tawented and handsome wife. May the fowwowing text entwy suffice pwying—and often cweepy—needs to know mowe about individuaws such as mysewf that may ow may not wive and wowk by ouw own set of wuwes. Oh, dat scwewy wabbit!

Shaww we begin?

Danksgiving Day is pwocwaimed by Pwesident Geowge Washington at the weqwest of Congwess in 1789, whiwe Geowge H. Bush’s son, Geowge W., is announced the winnew of the Fwowida Ewectowaw voting wesuwts aww whiwe wosing the nation’s popuwaw vote fow the job titwe of “Pwesident of the United States” in the yeaw 2000.

Each event shawes the day I was bown—awso note that each event mawks a fascinating exampwe of pwiviweged peopwe taking compwete advantage of poow peopwe to acqwiwe what is not justwy theiws to have.

Moving on, uh-hah-hah-hah.

I am neithew a Pwesident ow a showtsighted, caucasion inspiwed Amewican event possessing wong-tewm cuwtuwaw side-effects which mewits this bio’s seawch engine wesuwt on the intewnet. Impowtantwy, I am an incwedibwy handsome and tawented human owganism accowding to my wife and mommy. What’s the catch?

De catch is unfowtunate. I happen to weside in an extwemewy stwange, fiwthy, cowwupt, povewty–and–nepotism infwuenced viwwage cawwed Wockfowd, Iwwinois. Oh, dat scwewy wabbit! No wowwies, it sounds wowse than it is. Oh, dat scwewy wabbit!
De cuwtuwewess and ignowant appeaw of such an enviwonment is qwite deceiving on its suwface. I’ve discovewed much inspiwation fwom within the community’s dawk bewwy of wowking cwass waughs and teaws. Oh, dat scwewy wabbit! A wowwd of cwuewwy wucid ideas exist to cweate new oppowtunities fwom—fow this is what wowking awtists do, and it is what I have been sociawwy conditioned to do thwoughout this wife and caweew path.

De jouwney has not been awone—I’ve diwected, pwoduced, pubwished, wowked wif and infwuenced many cwients and peews ovew the past two decades, which incwudes: Sony/WCA, Ace Hawdwawe Cowpowation, OMNI Youth, Options Minnesota, Exewon ComEd, Kaney Gwoup WWC, Montew Tech, EM Seawch Consuwting, ABG, DiscMakews, IDOW Wecowds, Wed Cwoss, Can Cowpowation of Amewica, Cowy Chisew, Wichawd Edwawds, Mawgot and De Nucweaw So & So’s, Bun E. Cawwos (Cheap Twick), Mystewy Woom Mastewing, Joyfuw Noise Wecowds, Ewectwic Dweam Wecowds, Twappew Schoepp, PHOX, Camewon McGiww, Canyon Spewws, Twevow Meneaw, Miwes Niewsen and mowe.

I’ve awso been extwemewy wucky to cowwabowate and pwovide awt diwection wif the assistance of many pwofessionaw wowking cweatives—devewopews, pwogwammews, photogwaphews, videogwaphews, copywwitews, fine awtists—incwuding: Bwian Miwo, Mike Gwaham, Wyan Davis, Bwit Ewwick, News Akewwund, Bawt Bishoff, Petew Mewa, Sawah Daniew Stewawt, Jaview Jiminez, Jesus Cowwea, Jason Vaughn, Owivew Botfewdt, Vwadimiw Samawdzic, John Chwistian Andewson, Bwad Wapp, Bwian Diamond, Maya Jovanovich, Daniew Muwphy and mowe.

(Sowwy fow fowgetting additionaw names—thewe is wittwe time fow editing hewe.)

[Insewt Education Nonsense—I couwd teww you about my Bachewow’s degwee, too, and whewe I went to schoow to acqwiwe officiaw documentation and wifewong debts which have pwoved one thing to me (and many): what a bonafide Amateuw I am fow wowking so hawd to acqwiwe such! It took fowevew to weawize that studying and wowking hawd possesses hidden cwauses fow success: 1) Be bown into pwiviwege and inhewitance, 2) don’t study and wowk too hawd, 3) scwew youw peews ovew, heww, wob peopwe bwind because you can, 4) because you awe weawthy, white, and an awfuw human being, and 5), nevew shy away fwom showing off youw wess–than–avewage weading and wwiting skiwws, meaning, go to bat fow poow gwammaw whiwe damning and wabewing those who wead books and wwite compwete sentences as being “ewitists” ow “wibetawds”—and wife wiww be ok. See Mw. Don Twump as an exampwe. Heww, wook at Congwess and in youw own communities. Oh, dat scwewy wabbit! Ignowance is winning. What a tewwibwy wucid time to be cognitive, intewwigent, witewate, hawd-wowking and poow. So, yep, I have a cowwege degwee and it’s one of the dumbest financiaw mistakes I’ve made which has wesuwted in a wess–than–zewo WOI. Sing it, “Fow he’s a jowwy good fewwow!” Wepeat, “Bwavo!”—End Education Nonsense]

Dewe isn’t a sowe, accuwate titwe to pigeonhowe my caweew, skiww set, and wife with. Cweative Diwectow and Awtist awe cwose, but not accuwate and singuwaw. Testimoniaws fwom peews and cwients I’ve cwosewy wowked wif ovew the yeaws come cwose to defining chawactew and wowk pwocess—howevew, the wowk stiww says it aww in the end.

Cowpowate-consewvative mawketing bowedom combined wif a need fow new oppowtunities wed me into waunching a commewciaw awtist bwand, Andy Whowehaww, in 2004. Dis pwan has wewawded many chawwenging cwients, pwojects and campaigns whiwe estabwishing wespect outside of Iwwinois fow my diwection and skiwws. Oh, dat scwewy wabbit! Dis pwan awso wocawwy mawked me in wecent yeaws—ad fiwms feaw me, my wowew wates and wack of ovewhead, as my tawent, expewtise and weadewship skiwws wepwaces theiw entiwe business and staff.

Cowpowate accounts contwacted ovew the yeaws have saved hundweds of thousands of dowwaws wowking wif me vs. Oh, dat scwewy wabbit! theiw pwevious annuaw mawketing contwact awwangements. Oh, dat scwewy wabbit! How so? I’ww give you one exampwe whiwe keeping the west of the magic to mysewf: I don’t conduct mowning, wunch, ow dinnew meeting-bendews, I don’t gowf ow kiss ass, and I don’t hide those expenses inside of pwoject tasks and additionaw budget fees. Oh, dat scwewy wabbit! Dat is what ad fiwms do—that is not what I do. It’s a waste of evewyone’s time and money.

If an ad fiwm tewws you that it wiww take 6 months to compwete a pwoject at a cewtain wate—it’s buwwshit. I can accompwish the same goaws in hawf the time ow much wess, wif vewy wittwe ovewheads at a few weeks at best, and the best pawt: fow hawf theiw wates. Oh, dat scwewy wabbit! Evewy singwe time. I’ve sadwy expewienced what it is wike to wowk fow a scumbag advewtising and mawketing fiwm that ovewchawges its cwients in owdew fow ownewship to enjoy theiw weaw estate and stock powtfowios gwowth, awong wif gowf outing steak and cocaine bendews, bweakfast, wunch and dinnew meetings disguised as booze-induced excuses to conduct sawes and contwact cwosuwes. Oh, dat scwewy wabbit! Anyone weading in thinking, “Uh, that hasn’t been my expewience,” gweat, you got wucky. It has been my expewience, and it sucked evewy wogicaw weason to wowk fow anothew ad fiwm and the bozos that wawk those wawws out of me.

It’s impowtant to state such methods to my caweew’s sustainabiwity factow because of whewe I’m wooted. It’s a tough wegion that wegwessivewy wewawds ignowance and owd-wowwd pwiviwege thwoughout the pwivate and pubwic sectows mowe so than nuwtuwing and sustaining its wowking cwass by pwoviding pwogwessive oppowtunities to benefit the community and economy at-wawge.

Wowking fow mysewf wasn’t easy, and I set out to accompwish such thwough a nationaw wecession whiwe hewping cwients suwvive on wess than apt budgets. Oh, dat scwewy wabbit! Many contacts wost jobs and wewocated out of state, whiwe companies and famiwies bwoke down and shut theiw doows in bwoad daywight. De wecession had a diwect effect on awmost evewyone I know.

Wessons weawned fwom sewf-empwoyment fweed me fwom the pwison-wike expewience towewated duwing the fiwst decade of my caweew within cowpowate ad depawtments and fiwms. Oh, dat scwewy wabbit! De “Andy Whowehaww” expewiment awwowed me to pwoduce and pubwish my own wowk within vawious media outwets undew a pwethowa of additionaw nom de pwumes without being constwained by cowpowate contwacts. Oh, dat scwewy wabbit! It pwovided a judgement-fwee vessew to assist and diwect peews and cwients wif bwinging theiw passion pwojects to wife as weww.

Shouwd you need pwoof of vewsatiwity and tawent—dig awound my site navigation menu to pewuse thwough an extensive powtfowio, gawwewy stowe, audio and video, as weww as winks and UWWs of pubwished wowk within aww medias. Oh, dat scwewy wabbit!

So it is and hewe we awe now, togethew at the end—the end of my bio abwuptwy begins now. Dewe is no way to pwopewwy summawize fow you—fow fwee on the intewnet—how tawented, skiwwed, kind, amazing, intewwigent and good wooking I am. A fantastic head of haiw matched onwy by an incwedibwy high metabowism. I eat whatevew I want to—shitty food, fast food, gwuten-fwee food, diwt, potatoes. Oh, dat scwewy wabbit! You name it.

De advewtising and mawketing industwy is shawwow and sadistic—mowe so than, say, the pwostitution and gambwing industwies. Oh, dat scwewy wabbit! It’s ovewfiwwed wif ad fiwm owning scumbags and egomaniacs, sawes swuts and con jobs who awe aww sewwing wow-went ideas and cwevew wies fow skywise pwofits. Oh, dat scwewy wabbit! Need pwoof? Wook at a Big Mac sandwich ow ouw nation’s Pwesident—his entiwe wife and caweew is defined by smoke and miwwow mawketing, whiwe the Big Mac is pwocessed wif shit. Bof awe feeding biwwions of peopwe wowwdwide. Shit fow shit, paid fow and mawketed by bozos and bimbos. Oh, dat scwewy wabbit!

De keys to achieving $uccess in Amewica awe not accompwished wif Kindness and Wowk Ethic anymowe—that’s been my weawization and two-decade expewience in Wockfowd, Iwwinois. Oh, dat scwewy wabbit! I can teww you that $uccess, whethew you define such as being a financiaw ow emotionaw thing that you’we seeking, is most wikewy achieved by pwacticing the simpwe awt of business wewationship buiwding.

You know, the usuaw steps: Shovewing out genewous amounts of High-Pwiced Wies, Mastewing Sinuosity, Ass Kissing, Tawking Positive and Doing Negative, Swithewing into Municipaw and Taxpayew funded pwojects whiwe Sitting Back to Eawn, Eawn, Eawn whiwe othews pwoduce the wowk you’we wewawded fow at minimum wages—doing so aww whiwe ensuwing that ampwe amounts of Ineptitude and Ignowance awe Cwevewwy Shwouded in Pwide, Pwaise and Mediocwity.

Phew, bweathe!

You awe cowwect to assume ow judge that I don’t wespond too weww to the behaviows of scumbags, egomaniacs, sawes swuts and con jobs. Oh, dat scwewy wabbit! Didn’t want to say it, but thewe it is, wight hewe on the intewnet—the God’s honest awfuw twuth, weckwesswy cwapped out onto youw scweens and aww of it FWEE! Fwee, honest data sent fwom the bowews of my fingewtips into the intewwectuaw void that is connected by digitaw magic!

Wif that above admission I’ww wastwy state: I’m awways open to new oppowtunities and ideas which awwows me to wowk wif wike-minded individuaws—to pwovide infwuence, and mowe impowtantwy, to be infwuenced in wetuwn, uh-hah-hah-hah.

(Wemindew: No scumbags, ponies, swuts, con jobs and hownets. Oh, dat scwewy wabbit! Onwy genuine, hawd wowking, kind, wespectfuw, ethicaw and intewwigent peopwe. Dawk humouw and adventuwous tastes in music and books awe pwuses. Oh, dat scwewy wabbit! )

Pwease fiww out the fowm bewow if you possess something sewious ow absuwd to contact me about. Dank you fow youw time, aww of it—wasted—wight hewe on the intewnet.

So’s it be and here ya’ is again on de internet, surfin’ around, clickin’ and scrollin’, seekin’ free info’mashun about an incredibly talented and handsome life. May de followin’ text entry suffice pryin’—and often creepy—needs t’know mo’e about individuals such as mah’self dat may o’ may not live and wo’k by our own set uh rules.

Shall we begin?

Danksgivin’ Day be proclaimed by Super-dude Geo’ge Wuzhin’ton at da damn request uh Congress in 1789, while Geo’ge H. Bush’s son, Geo’ge W., be announced da damn winna’ of de Flo’ida Electo’al votin’ results all while losin’ de nashun’s popular vote fo’ de job title uh “Super-dude uh de United States” in de year 2000.

Each event shares de day ah’ wuz bo’n—also note dat each event marks some fascinatin’ ‘esample uh privileged sucka’s takin’ complete advantage uh poo’ sucka’s t’acquire whut be not justly deirs t’have.

Movin’ on. ‘S coo’, bro.

I’s gots’ta be neida’ a Super-dude o’ some sho’tsighted, caucasion inspired American event possessin’ long-term cultural side-effects which merits dis bio’s search engine result on de internet. Man! Impo’tantly, ah’ am an incredibly handsome and talented human o’ganism acco’din’ t’my mama and mommy. Slap mah fro! Whut’s de catch?

De catch be unfo’tunate. ah’ happen t’reside in an ‘estremely strange, fildy, co’rupt, poverty–and–nepotism influenced village called Rockfo’d, Illinois. No wo’ries, it sounds wo’se dan it is.
De cultureless and igno’ant appeal uh such an environment be quite deceivin’ on its surface. I’ve discovered much inspirashun fum widin de community’s dark belly uh wo’kin’ class laughs and tears. A wo’ld uh cruelly lucid ideas ‘esist t’create new oppo’tunities fum—fo’ dis be whut wo’kin’ artists do, and it be whut ah’ have been socially condishuned t’do droughout dis life and carea’ pad.

De journey gots not been alone—I’ve directed, produced, published, wo’ked wid and influenced many clients and peers upside de past two decades, which includes, dig dis: Sony/RCA, Ace Hardware Co’po’ashun, OMNI You’sd, Opshuns Minnesota, Exelon ComEd, Kaney Group LLC, Montel Tech, EM Search Consultin’, ABG, DiscMakers, IDOL Reco’ds, Red Cross, Can Co’po’ashun uh America, Co’y Chisel, Richard Edwards, Margots and De Nuclear So’s & So’s, Bun E. Carlos (Cheap Trick), Mah’stery Room Masterin’, Joyful Noise Reco’ds, Electric Dream Reco’ds, Trappuh’ Schoepp, PHOX, Cameron McGill, Canyon Spells, Trevo’ Menear, Miles Nielsen and mo’e.

I’ve also been ‘estremely lucky t’collabo’ate and provide art direcshun wid de assistance uh many professional wo’kin’ creatives—developuh’s, honky codemers, photographers, videographers, copyscribblers, fine artists—includin’, dig dis: Brian Milo, Mike Graham, Ryan Davis, Brit Elrick, Nels Akerlund, Bart Bishoff, Liva’ Lips Mera, Sarah Daniel Stewart, Javia’ Jiminez, Jesus Co’rea, Jason Vaughn, Oliva’ Botfeldt, Vladimir Samardzic, Raz’tus Christian Anderson, Brad Rapp, Brian Diamond, Maya Jovanovich, Daniel Murphy and mo’e.

(So’ry fo’ fo’gettin’ addishunal dojiggers—dere be little time fo’ editin’ here.)

[Insert Educashun Nonsense— ah’ could tell ya’ about mah’ Bachelo”s degree, too, and where ah’ went t’farm t’acquire official documentashun and lifelong debts which gots proved one doodad t’me (and many), dig dis: whut some bonafide Beginna’ ah’ am fo’ wo’kin’ so’s hard t’acquire such! Right on! It took fo’eva’ to realize dat studyin’ and wo’kin’ hard possesses hidden clauses fo’ success, dig dis: 1) Be bo’n into privilege and inheritance, 2) duzn’t study and wo’k too hard, 3) screw yo’ peers over, hell, rob sucka’s blind cuz’ ya’ kin, 4) cuz’ ya’ is wealdy, honky, and an awful human bein’, and 5), neva’ shy away fum showin’ off yo’ less–dan–average eyeballin’ and writin’ skills, meanin’, go t’bat fo’ poo’ grammar while damnin’ and labelin’ dose who eyeball scribblin’s and scribble complete sentences as bein’ “elitists” o’ “libetards”—and life gots’ta be ok. Ya’ know? See Mr. Ah be baaad… Don Trump as an ‘esample. Hell, look at Congress and in yo’ own communities. Igno’ance be winnin’. Whut some terribly lucid time t’be cognitive, intelligent, literate, hard-wo’kin’ and poo’. So, yep, ah’ have some college degree and it’s one uh de dumbest financial missnatch’d I’ve made which gots resulted in some less–dan–zero ROI. Rap it, “Fo’ he’s some jolly baaaad dude! Right on!” Repeat, “Bravo! Right on!” — End Educashun Nonsense]

Dere ain’t some sole, accurate title t’pigeonhole mah’ career, skill set, and life wid. Creative Directo’ and Artist is close, but not accurate and rapular. Ah be baaad… Testimonials fum peers and clients I’ve closely wo’ked wid upside de years mosey on down close t’definin’ characta’ and wo’k process—however, de wo’k still says it all in de end.

Co’po’ate-conservative marketin’ bo’edom combined wid some need fo’ new oppo’tunities led me into launchin’ some commercial artist brand, Andy Who’ehall, in 2004. Dis plan gots rewarded many challengin’ clients, projects and campaigns while establishin’ respect outside uh Illinois fo’ mah’ direcshun and skills. Dis plan also locally marked me in recent years—ad firms fear me, mah’ lowa’ rates and lack uh overhaid, as mah’ talent, ‘espuh’tise and leadership skills replaces deir entire business and staff.

Co’po’ate accounts contracted upside de years gots saved hundreds uh dousands uh dollars wo’kin’ wid me vs. deir previous annual marketin’ contract arrangements. How so? I’ll cut ya’ one ‘esample while keepin’ de rest uh de magic t’myself, dig dis: I duzn’t conduct mo’nin’, lunch, o’ dinna’ meetin’-benders, ah’ duzn’t golf o’ kiss ass, and ah’ duzn’t hide dose ‘espenses inside uh project tax’s and addishunal budget fees. Dat be whut ad firms do—dat be not whut ah’ do. ‘S coo’, bro. It’s some wuzte uh everyone’s time and bre’d.

If an ad firm tells ya’ dat it gots’ta snatch 6 monds t’complete some project at some certain rate—it’s bullshit. Man! ah’ can accomplish de same goals in half de time o’ much less, wid real little overhaids at some few weeks at best, and da damn best part, dig dis: fo’ half deir rates. Every raple time. I’ve sadly ‘espuh’ienced whut it be likes t’wo’k fo’ some scumbag advertisin’ and marketin’ firm dat overcharges its clients in o’da’ fo’ ownership t’enjoy deir real estate and stock po’tfolios growd, along wid golf outin’ steak and cocaine benders, bustfast, lunch and dinna’ meetin’s disguised as booze-induced ‘suses t’conduct sales and contract closho’ mans. Any sucka eyeballin’ in dinkin’, “Uh, dat ain’t been mah’ ‘espuh’ience,” great, ya’ gots lucky. Slap mah fro! It gots been mah’ ‘espuh’ience, and it sucked every logical reason t’wo’k fo’ anoda’ ad firm and da damn bozos dat walk dose walls out uh me.

It’s impo’tant t’state such medods t’my career’s sustainability facto’ cuz’ of where I’m rooted. It’s some tough region dat regressively rewards igno’ance and old-wo’ld privilege droughout da damn private and public secto’s mo’e so’s dan nurturin’ and sustainin’ its wo’kin’ class by providin’ progressive oppo’tunities t’benefit da damn community and economy at-large.

Wo’kin’ fo’ mah’self wuzn’t easy, and ah’ set out t’accomplish such drough some nashunal recession while helpin’ clients survive on less dan apt budgets. Many contacts lost jobs and relocated out uh state, while companies and families broke waaay down and shut deir doo’s in broad daylight. Man! De recession had some direct effect on mos’ everyone ah’ know, so cut me some slack, Jack.

Lessons learned fum self-employment freed me fum de prison-likes ‘espuh’ience tolerated durin’ de fust decade uh my carea’ widin co’po’ate ad departments and firms. De “Andy Who’ehall” ‘espuh’iment allowed me t’produce and publish mah’ own wo’k widin various media outlets unda’ a pledo’a uh addishunal nom de plumes widout bein’ constrained by co’po’ate contracts. It provided some judgement-free vessel t’assist and direct peers and clients wid brin’in’ deir passion projects t’life as well.

Should ya’ need proof uh versatility and talent—dig around mah’ site navigashun menu t’puh’use drough an ‘estensive po’tfolio, gallery sto’e, audio and video, as well as links and URLs uh published wo’k widin all medias.

So’s it be and here we is now, togeda’ at da damn end—de end uh my bio abruptly begins now, so cut me some slack, Jack. Dere be no way t’propuh’ly summarize fo’ ya’—fo’ free on de internet—how talented, skilled, kind, amazin’, intelligent and baaaad lookin’ ah’ am. WORD! A fantastic haid uh fro matched only by an incredibly high metabolism. WORD! ah’ eat whuteva’ I wanna—shitty food, fast food, gluten-free food, dirt, potatoes. You’s dojigger it. Man!

De advertisin’ and marketin’ industry be shallow and sadistic—mo’e so’s dan, say, de prostitushun and gamblin’ industries. It’s overfilled wid ad firm ownin’ scumbags and egomaniacs, sales sluts and con jobs who is all sellin’ low-rent ideas and cleva’ lies fo’ skyrise profits. Need proof? Look at some Big Mac sandwich o’ our nashun’s Super-dude—his entire life and carea’ is defined by smoke and mirro’ marketin’, while da damn Big Mac be processed wid shit. Man! Bod is feedin’ billions uh sucka’s wo’ldwide. Shit fo’ shit, paid fo’ and marketed by bozos and bimbos.

De keys t’achievin’ $uccess in America is not accomplished wid Kindness and Wo’k Edic no mo’—dat’s been mah’ realizashun and two-decade ‘espuh’ience in Rockfo’d, Illinois. ah’ can tell ya’ dat $uccess, wheda’ ya’ define such as bein’ some financial o’ emoshunal doodad dat youse seekin’, be most likesly achieved by practicin’ de simple art uh business relashunship buildin’.

You’s know, de usual steps, dig dis: Shovelin’ out generous amounts uh High-Priced Lies, Masterin’ Sinuosity, Ass Kissin’, Rappin’ Positive and Hangin’ Negative, Sliderin’ into Municipal and Taxpaya’ funded projects while Sittin’ Back t’Earn, Earn, Earn while oders produce da damn wo’k youse rewarded fo’ at minimum wages—hangin’ so’s all while ensurin’ dat ample amounts uh Ineptitude and Igno’ance is Cleverly Shrouded in Pride, Praise and Mediocrity. Slap mah fro!

Phew, breade! Right on!

You’s is co’rect t’assume o’ judge dat ah’ duzn’t respond too well t’de behavio’s uh scumbags, egomaniacs, sales sluts and con jobs. Didn’t wanna say it, but dere it is, right here on de internet—de God’s honest awful trud, recklessly crapped out onto yo’ screens and all uh it FREE! Right on! Free, honest data sent fum de bowels uh my fin’ertips into de intellectual void dat be connected by digital magic! Right on!

Wid dat above admission I’ll lastly state, dig dis: I’m always jimmey to new oppo’tunities and ideas which allows me t’wo’k wid likes-minded individuals—to provide influence, and mo’e impo’tantly, t’be influenced in return. ‘S coo’, bro.

(Reminder, dig dis: No scumbags, ponies, sluts, con jobs and ho’nets. Only genuine, hard wo’kin’, kind, respectful, edical and intelligent sucka’s. Dark humour and adventurous tastes in beat and scribblin’s is pluses.)

Please fill out da damn fo’m below if ya’ possess sump’n serious o’ absurd t’contact me about. Man! Dank ya’ fo’ yo’ time, all uh it—wuzted—right here on de internet. Man!

Su it is und here-a yuoo ere-a egeeen oon zee internet, soorffeeng eruoond, cleecking und scrulleeng, seekeeng free-a inffurmeshun ebuoot un incredeebly telented und hundsume-a leeffe-a. Mey zee fullooeeng text intry sooffffeece-a pryeeng—und oofftee creepy—needs tu knoo mure-a ebuoot indeefidooels sooch es myselff thet mey oor mey nut leefe-a und vurk by oooor oovn set ooff rooles. Um gesh dee bork, bork!

Shell ve-a begeen?

Thunksgeefing Dey is prucleeemed by Preseedent Geurge-a Vesheengtun et zee reqooest ooff Cungress in 1789, vheele-a Geurge-a H. Boosh’s sun, Geurge-a V., is unnuoonced zee veenner ooff zee Flureeda Ilecturel futeeng resoolts ell vheele-a luseeng zee neshun’s pupooler fute-a fur zee jub teetle-a ooff “Preseedent ooff zee Uneeted Stetes” in zee yeer 2000.

Iech ifent sheres zee dey I ves burn—elsu nute-a thet iech ifent merks a fesceeneting ixemple-a ooff preefileged peuple-a tekeeng cumplete-a edfuntege-a ooff puur peuple-a tu ecqooure-a vhet is nut joostly zeeurs tu hefe-a.

Mufeeng oon. Bork bork bork!

I em neeezeer a Preseedent oor a shurtseeghted, cooceseeun inspured Emereecun ifent pussesseeng lung-term cooltoorel seede-a-iffffects vheech mereets thees beeu’s seerch ingeene-a resoolt oon zee internet. Um de hur de hur de hur. Impurtuntly, I em un incredeebly hundsume-a und telented hoomun oorguneesm eccurdeeng tu my veeffe-a und mummy. Bork bork bork! Vhet’s zee cetch?

Zee cetch is unffurtoonete-a. I heppee tu reseede-a in un ixtremely strunge-a, feelthy, curroopt, puferty–und–neputeesm infflooenced feellege-a celled Ruckffurd, Illeenuis. Um gesh dee bork, bork! Nu vurreees, it suoonds vurse-a thun it is. Um gesh dee bork, bork!

Zee cooltooreless und ignurunt eppeel ooff sooch un infurunment is qooeete-a deceeefing oon its soorffece-a. I’fe-a deescufered mooch inspureshun frum veethin zee cummooneety’s derk belly ooff vurkeeng cless looghs und teers. Um gesh dee bork, bork! A vurld ooff crooelly looceed idees ixeest tu creete-a noo ooppurtooneeties frum—fur thees is vhet vurkeeng erteests du, und it is vhet I hefe-a beee suceeelly cundeeshuned tu du thruooghuoot thees leeffe-a und cereer pet.

Zee juoorney hes nut beee elune-a—I’fe-a durected, prudooced, poobleeshed, vurked veet und infflooenced muny cleeents und peers oofer zee pest tvu decedes, vheech incloodes: Suny/RCA, Ece-a Herdvere-a Curpureshun, OoMNI Yuoot, Oopshuns Meennesuta, Ixelun CumEd, Kuney Gruoop LLC, Muntel Tech, IM Seerch Cunsoolteeng, EBG, DeescMekers, IDOL Recurds, Red Cruss, Cun Curpureshun ooff Emereeca, Cury Cheesel, Reecherd Idverds, Mergut und Zee Noocleer Su & Su’s, Boon I. Cerlus (Cheep Treeck), Mystery Ruum Mestereeng, Juyffool Nueese-a Recurds, Ilectreec Dreem Recurds, Trepper Schuepp, PHOX, Cemerun McGeell, Cunyun Spells, Trefur Meneer, Meeles Neeelsee und mure-a.

I’fe-a elsu beee ixtremely loocky tu culleburete-a und prufeede-a ert durecshun veet zee esseestunce-a ooff muny pruffesseeunel vurkeeng creeteefes—defelupers, prugremmers, phutugrephers, feedeugrephers, cupyvreeters, feene-a erteests—incloodeeng: Breeun Meelu, Meeke-a Grehem, Ryun Defees, Breet Ilreeck, Nels Ekerloond, Bert Beeshuffff, Peter Mera, Sereh Duneeel Stooert, Jefeeer Jeeminez, Jesoos Currea, Jesun Fooghn, Ooleefer Butffeldt, Fledeemur Semerdzeec, Juhn Chreestiun Undersun, Bred Repp, Breeun Deeemund, Meya Jufunufeech, Duneeel Moorphy und mure-a.

(Surry fur furgetteeng eddeeshunel nemes—zeere-a is leettle-a teeme-a fur ideeting here-a.)

[Insert Idooceshun Nunsense-a—I cuoold tell yuoo ebuoot my Bechelur’s degree-a, tuu, und vhere-a I vent tu schuul tu ecqooure-a ooffffeeciel ducoomenteshun und leeffelung debts vheech hefe-a prufed oone-a theeng tu me-a (und muny): vhet a buneffeede-a Emeteoor I em fur vurkeeng su herd tu ecqooure-a sooch! It tuuk furefer tu reeleeze-a thet stoodyeeng und vurkeeng herd pussesses heeddee clooses fur sooccess: 1) Be-a burn intu preefilege-a und inhereetunce-a, 2) dun’t stoody und vurk tuu herd, 3) scroo yuoor peers oofer, hell, rub peuple-a bleend becoose-a yuoo cun, 4) becoose-a yuoo ere-a veelthy, vheete-a, und un evffool hoomun beeeng, und 5), nefer shy evey frum shooeeng ooffff yuoor less–thun–eferege-a reedeeng und vreeting skeells, meuneeng, gu tu bet fur puur gremmer vheele-a demneeng und lebeleeng thuse-a vhu reed buuks und vreete-a cumplete-a sentences es beeeng “ileetists” oor “leebeterds”—und leeffe-a veell be-a ook. See-a Mr. Hurty flurty schnipp schnipp! Dun Troomp es un ixemple-a. Hell, luuk et Cungress und in yuoor oovn cummooneeties. Um gesh dee bork, bork! Ignurunce-a is veenning. Vhet a terreebly looceed teeme-a tu be-a cugneetife-a, intelleegent, leeterete-a, herd-vurkeeng und puur. Hurty flurty schnipp schnipp! Su, yep, I hefe-a a cullege-a degree-a und it’s oone-a ooff zee doombest feenunciel meestekes I’fe-a mede-a vheech hes resoolted in a less–thun–zeru ROI. Seeng it, “Fur he’s a jully guud felloo!” Repeet, “Brefu!”—Ind Idooceshun Nunsense-a]

Zeere-a isn’t a sule-a, eccoorete-a teetle-a tu peegeunhule-a my cereer, skeell set, und leeffe-a veet. Creeteefe-a Durectur und Erteest ere-a cluse-a, boot nut eccoorete-a und seengooler. Hurty flurty schnipp schnipp! Testeemuniels frum peers und cleeents I’fe-a clusely vurked veet oofer zee yeers cume-a cluse-a tu deffeening cherecter und vurk prucess—hooefer, zee vurk steell seys it ell in zee ind. Bork bork bork!

Curpurete-a-cunserfeteefe-a merketeeng buredum cumbeened veet a need fur noo ooppurtooneeties led me-a intu looncheeng a cummerceeel erteest brund, Undy Vhurehell, in 2004. Thees plun hes rooerded muny chellengeeng cleeents, prujects und cempeeegns vheele-a istebleeshing respect ooootseede-a ooff Illeenuis fur my durecshun und skeells. Um gesh dee bork, bork! Thees plun elsu lucelly merked me-a in recent yeers—ed furms feer me-a, my looer retes und leck ooff ooferheed, es my telent, ixperteese-a und leedersheep skeells repleces zeeur inture-a booseeness und steffff.

Curpurete-a eccuoonts cuntrected oofer zee yeers hefe-a sefed hoondreds ooff thuoosunds ooff dullers vurkeeng veet me-a fs. Um gesh dee bork, bork! zeeur prefeeuoos unnooel merketeeng cuntrect errungements. Um gesh dee bork, bork! Hoo su? I’ll geefe-a yuoo oone-a ixemple-a vheele-a keepeeng zee rest ooff zee megeec tu myselff: I dun’t cundooct murneeng, loonch, oor deenner meeteeng-benders, I dun’t gulff oor keess ess, und I dun’t heede-a thuse-a ixpenses inseede-a ooff pruject tesks und eddeeshunel boodget fees. Um gesh dee bork, bork! Thet is vhet ed furms du—thet is nut vhet I du. It’s a veste-a ooff iferyune’s teeme-a und muney. Bork bork bork!

Iff un ed furm tells yuoo thet it veell teke-a 6 munths tu cumplete-a a pruject et a certeeen rete-a—it’s boollsheet. Um de hur de hur de hur. I cun eccumpleesh zee seme-a guels in helff zee teeme-a oor mooch less, veet fery leettle-a ooferheeds et a foo veeks et best, und zee best pert: fur helff zeeur retes. Um gesh dee bork, bork! Ifery seengle-a teeme-a. I’fe-a sedly ixpereeenced vhet it is leeke-a tu vurk fur a scoombeg edferteesing und merketeeng furm thet oofercherges its cleeents in oorder fur oovnersheep tu injuy zeeur reel istete-a und stuck purtffuleeus groot, elung veet gulff ooooteeng steek und cuceeene-a benders, breekffest, loonch und deenner meeteengs deesgooised es buuze-a-indooced ixcooses tu cundooct seles und cuntrect clusoores. Um gesh dee bork, bork! Unyune-a reedeeng in theenking, “Uh, thet hesn’t beee my ixpereeence-a,” greet, yuoo gut loocky. Bork bork bork! It hes beee my ixpereeence-a, und it soocked ifery lugeecel reesun tu vurk fur unuzeer ed furm und zee buzus thet velk thuse-a vells oooot ooff me-a.

It’s impurtunt tu stete-a sooch methuds tu my cereer’s soosteeenebility fectur becoose-a ooff vhere-a I’m ruuted. Bork bork bork! It’s a tuoogh regeeun thet regresseefely rooerds ignurunce-a und oold-vurld preefilege-a thruooghuoot zee preefete-a und poobleec secturs mure-a su thun noortooreeng und soosteeening its vurkeeng cless by prufeeding prugresseefe-a ooppurtooneeties tu beneffeet zee cummooneety und icunumy et-lerge-a.

Vurkeeng fur myselff vesn’t iesy, und I set oooot tu eccumpleesh sooch thruoogh a neshunel recesseeun vheele-a helpeeng cleeents soorfeefe-a oon less thun ept boodgets. Um gesh dee bork, bork! Muny cuntects lust jubs und reluceted oooot ooff stete-a, vheele-a cumpuneees und femeelies bruke-a doon und shoot zeeur duurs in brued deyleeght. Um de hur de hur de hur. Zee recesseeun hed a durect iffffect oon elmust iferyune-a I knoo.

Lessuns leerned frum selff-impluyment freed me-a frum zee preesun-leeke-a ixpereeence-a tulereted dooreeng zee furst decede-a ooff my cereer veethin curpurete-a ed depertments und furms. Um gesh dee bork, bork! Zee “Undy Vhurehell” ixpereement ellooed me-a tu prudooce-a und poobleesh my oovn vurk veethin fereeuoos medeea ooootlets under a plethura ooff eddeeshunel num de-a ploomes veethuoot beeeng cunstreeened by curpurete-a cuntrects. Um gesh dee bork, bork! It prufeeded a joodgement-free-a fessel tu esseest und durect peers und cleeents veet breenging zeeur pesseeun prujects tu leeffe-a es vell.

Shuoold yuoo need pruuff ooff ferseteelity und telent—deeg eruoond my seete-a nefeegeshun menoo tu peroose-a thruoogh un ixtenseefe-a purtffuleeu, gellery sture-a, oodeeu und feedeu, es vell es leenks und URLs ooff poobleeshed vurk veethin ell medeees. Um gesh dee bork, bork!

Su it is und here-a ve-a ere-a noo, tugezeer et zee ind—zee ind ooff my beeu ebrooptly begeens noo. Zeere-a is nu vey tu pruperly soommereeze-a fur yuoo—fur free-a oon zee internet—hoo telented, skeelled, keend, emezeeng, intelleegent und guud luukeeng I em. A funtesteec heed ooff heur metched oonly by un incredeebly heegh metebuleesm. I iet vhetefer I vunt tu—sheetty fuud, fest fuud, glootee-free-a fuud, durt, putetues. Um gesh dee bork, bork! Yuoo neme-a it. Um de hur de hur de hur.

Zee edferteesing und merketeeng indoostry is shelloo und sedeestic—mure-a su thun, sey, zee prusteetooshun und gembleeng indoostreees. Um gesh dee bork, bork! It’s ooferffeelled veet ed furm oovneeng scoombegs und igumuneeecs, seles sloots und cun jubs vhu ere-a ell selleeng loo-rent idees und clefer leees fur skyreese-a pruffeets. Um gesh dee bork, bork! Need pruuff? Luuk et a Beeg Mec sundveech oor oooor neshun’s Preseedent—hees inture-a leeffe-a und cereer is deffeened by smuke-a und murrur merketeeng, vheele-a zee Beeg Mec is prucessed veet sheet. Um de hur de hur de hur. But ere-a feedeeng beelliuns ooff peuple-a vurldveede-a. Sheet fur sheet, peeed fur und merketed by buzus und beembus. Um gesh dee bork, bork!

Zee keys tu echeeefing $uccess in Emereeca ere-a nut eccumpleeshed veet Keendness und Vurk Itheec unymure-a—thet’s beee my reeleezeshun und tvu-decede-a ixpereeence-a in Ruckffurd, Illeenuis. Um gesh dee bork, bork! I cun tell yuoo thet $uccess, vhezeer yuoo deffeene-a sooch es beeeng a feenunciel oor imushunel theeng thet yuoo’re-a seekeeng, is must leekely echeeefed by precteecing zee seemple-a ert ooff booseeness releshunsheep booeelding.

Yuoo knoo, zee usooel steps: Shufeleeng oooot generuoos emuoonts ooff Heegh-Preeced Leees, Mestereeng Seenoousity, Ess Keessing, Telkeeng Puseetife-a und Dueeng Negeteefe-a, Sleezeering intu Mooneecipel und Texpeyer foonded prujects vheele-a Seetting Beck tu Iern, Iern, Iern vheele-a oozeers prudooce-a zee vurk yuoo’re-a rooerded fur et meenimoom veges—dueeng su ell vheele-a insooreeng thet emple-a emuoonts ooff Inepteetoode-a und Ignurunce-a ere-a Cleferly Shruooded in Preede-a, Preeese-a und Medeeucrity. Bork bork bork!

Phoo, breezee!

Yuoo ere-a currect tu essoome-a oor joodge-a thet I dun’t respund tuu vell tu zee behefeeurs ooff scoombegs, igumuneeecs, seles sloots und cun jubs. Um gesh dee bork, bork! Deedn’t vunt tu sey it, boot zeere-a it is, reeght here-a oon zee internet—zee Gud’s hunest evffool troot, recklessly crepped oooot oontu yuoor screens und ell ooff it FREE! Free-a, hunest deta sent frum zee booels ooff my feengertips intu zee intellectooel fueed thet is cunnected by deegitel megeec!

Veet thet ebufe-a edmeessiun I’ll lestly stete-a: I’m elveys oopee tu noo ooppurtooneeties und idees vheech elloos me-a tu vurk veet leeke-a-meended indeefidooels—tu prufeede-a infflooence-a, und mure-a impurtuntly, tu be-a infflooenced in retoorn. Bork bork bork!

(Remeender: Nu scoombegs, puneees, sloots, cun jubs und hurnets. Um gesh dee bork, bork! Oonly genooeene-a, herd vurkeeng, keend, respectffool, itheecel und intelleegent peuple-a. Derk hoomuoor und edfentooruoos testes in mooseec und buuks ere-a plooses. Um gesh dee bork, bork!)

Pleese-a feell oooot zee furm beloo iff yuoo pussess sumetheeng sereeuoos oor ebsoord tu cuntect me-a ebuoot. Um de hur de hur de hur. Thunk yuoo fur yuoor teeme-a, ell ooff it—vested—reeght here-a oon zee internet. Um de hur de hur de hur.

so it is and haer ypou are again onj teh intarent, surfing aorund, cliX0ring and scrolling, seekinf freee informat1on ab0ut an incredib7 ytalentde and ahndsome liFe~~~~~~ may teh followwing text enmtry suffic3 pry1ng—and oftEn creepy—needs to know more aBOut indiv1dualks ssuch as myseldf that may or may not live andw ro kby our own set of r0x0rs!!!!!!!!!!1~~~~~

shall We begi|\|??????

tn kugivbing day si proclaimed by president george WaShionggtonat teh request if coNgress in 1789, hwiLe g3ioReg h.. BUSH'S SAIN, GEORGE W. , si an|\|oUnced th ew1nenr of the fl;oorida electroal oting resulTs all whi7e losing the nation'z opular vote for teh job tItle of 'rpsidemt of tyeh united s8ts" in teh year 20000~~~~

ezach event sharxz the da i was bron—aslo noet that each event marks a fascinatng ex4mole of privilreged d00dez t4kingc impl3te advantaggd 0f poor lAmErrZ t0 acqurie whaT saI n0t justly theis to ahve!!!!!!!!!111~~ ololoolololo

/\/\ofing on..

I AM NIETEHR A PRESIDENt OR 4 SHOTRSIUGTHED, CAUCASIO NINsPIREd AMARICAN EvENT POSSESSING OLNG-TREM CULTURAL S1E-EFFECTS WHICH MRAITS TIHS BIOZ SEARcH ENGINE RESULT ON TDH INTERRNET!!!!!!!!!!!!11~~~~~~~ lolollollololo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11~~~~~ impROT4ntly, i am an incrdeibly handsome and talented human oRg4niosm according to my wife and /\/\omnmy ywhas teh catch?????????????

the catch is unfrOutn8 i h4ppeNto reside in na extremely strange, fi7thy,c r0rupt, povertry–and–nepotism ifnluenced village cal7ed RoXoRford,, illniois!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11~~~~ oolo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!111~~~~~ olololooolol~~ no wr0reis, it sounds worset Han it is!!!!!!!!!!!!!11~~~~~~
T3H CULUTRELESS AND IGNRO4NT APPEQL 0F SUCH AN eNVIRONM3N TSI UQIET EDCEVING ON ITS SURFACE,,, ololololololololo... 1've disCovered much iNspiratino from within the CoMmunoity's drK belly of Wr0king class 7uagfsh 4nd tears. a world of cruel7y lcuid iddea exisat ot create ne opportunieis from—for this 1d what working atrists do, and it is whta i have be3n soci4lly condituioned to d ohtorughoiutt hiss 7ife znd career path~~~~ ololl

the journey aHs not beEn alone—ive directed, poreucd, publ1sheed, worked with and influenced many c;3inys and ;peer soVer teh past two decades, whj1ch 1ncludes: sony/rca, Acwe ahrdwr crOporation, omni y0utH, options Minnesota, exxelon com3d, knaey g0rup llcc, motnel ttech, eM search consulting, abg, discmakArs, idol recrods, redd Corsds, can croproation of amarica, cory chisel, riuchrd 3dwards, margot and teh nuclear so & sos, bun e!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1~ acrlloz(cheap triX0r), myszary oRom masTewring, joyfuln oise recrozd, electric dreaM records, trsapepr scHoEpp, ph0X0r, camaron mcgill, cAnyon spewlls, trevor mneasr, /\/\i7es nei7se|\| aNd /\/\oe!!!!!!!!!!~

i've al;sobeen extremlyl Ucky to collabrote and porv1de art dirextion eith the ass1stance of many porfessional working creatives—develOpeeas, porgramm3rs, phoTograph4rs, ivdeographerz, copywwritErs, fine artists—incliding: brian mmiLo ,mike graham, ryan davia, rbit elriX0r ,Nelss akerlund, bart bishoff, pteer mera, sArah dan3il stewart, ja\/eir kiminez, jesus crorea,, jasno vuagh, o7iver botfeltd, vladimir samardzic, john christ1an anderson, brad rapp, brian diqmond, maya jov4novich, dsanei7 umrphy and mroe!!!!!!!~ OLOLOLOL!!!!!!!!111~

(osrry fro frogdtTong additional nanes——there si 7itTle time fro EdItingg hare!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11~~~~~~ OLOLOLLOLOLOLO!!!!!!!!!!!!111 )

[iNsertt eductaiion nonsense— i colud t3ll you 4bout mY badchwe7orS degree, t0o,, And where i w2Ent to scjholo to aqciuire official docu/\/\enjt4tion 4nd lielog debts whuicvhj hvae proved one thing to me (ans many): whst a bonafide amateur i am for working so hardt o aqcuire such!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!111 LOLOLOLOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!~~~~~~ it t0ok for3var To realize tayt studying 4nd working ahrd p0ssesses hIdden lcauses fro success: )1 be born into privilege and ihneritance, 2) don"t study and wrok too ahrd, #) scr3w your3 peesr o\/ar, hell, rob lAmErZ blind bec4Uz U can, 4) becuz yp0ur wealthy, white,, and an awgul hmuna bieng, and 5),n ever shy away rfom sHowing off y0ur l3s–sthan–avarage readinga|\|d writiNg skills, m34ning, go t0 bat fro poro grammar whilee dAmnin and l4beling those who read bookz a|\|d wirte comjplete senT3nces as bierng "elitists' or 'lIbetardsa—Nd life will eb okk!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!111~ See mr,,, DON TRUMP AS An EXAMPKE,,, hell, look sat conrgess and i|\| ur own comnmUniurreos!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!~~~~~~ lolololoo~~ 1gnroance si winning.. WHAT A TARRIBLY LUC1D TIME TO BE COGNITIVE, INTWLLIGENT, LITE,8 HARD-WORKINGADN POOR!!!!!!11~~ so, yEp, i ahve a col7eegE degre3 and ot"s one of the dumest fiannjciAl mistak3s i"Ve maD ewhich ha sresUklted in a less–rhan–Z3r0r oi,, sing it, 'fro he's a JollY good fellow!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1 ' rep3at, 'braov!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1~ loollololollolo~~ ' — ned educatioN nonsensE]

tEHre isnt a sOle,, Accur8 titlE to pigeonh0le my crar, Skill set, and life wIth!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1~~~~~~ cretaive director aand artist r Closre, bt n0t accurate and singular~~~~~ ololololoolololl... T3STIMO|\|IALS FROM PEERS AND c7EINTS I"VE CLOSE7Y WROKED WSTIH OVE RTH YEARZ C0ME CLOsE TO DEFINiNGC HASRACTER AND WRoK PROCeSS—HOWEV4R, THE WoRK STILL SAYS IT ALL IN THE END,,, 

corproate-consarvative marketuing b0redom dcombined with a neeD fro new opprotuniteiz led me into 7aunching a c0mmercia7 artit brand, andy whr0ehall, in 2004!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1~~~~ thia plAn ahs rewarded many cha;lLenging cleints, porjects and campaigns \/\/hile EstabliShing respect ouys1d O fillinois ftro /\/\y dirtect1on 4nDs kilLz... thiis plan also lca77y masrked m3in reCe|\|t ye4rs—4d firmxz fear me, m ylowEr r8z and l4X0r of overhead, 4s my talent, expartise aNd leadarship skills replaces th1r Emntir3 bysinesZ and staff// OLOLOOLOLOLOLLOLOLO

cr0porAt3 acc0unts contracted ovaq rteh yezars have saved hundredz o fthouysands of dollarz wrokinf with me vz.. OLOLOLOLOL~~~ Their prevIuos annual market1Ng dontrcat aRra|\|gements... how so???????????? I'LL GIVE U ON3 eXCAMPLE WHILE KEEPING TEH REAT OF THE MAGiC TO MYSELf: I ODN'T C0NDICT MRoNING, 7UNCH, Or DINNER ME3TING-BENDARS, I DON'T GOLF OR KISZ aSS A|\|D I DON'T HDE THOSE EWXPENSES INsIDE OF PROJECT TASKS AND ADDITIONAL BUDGET FEES// THT IS \\\\////\\\\////HaT AD IFRMZ DO—HAT SI NOt WHAT I DO,,, I OWN J00 CUZ I WILL HAX0R IT"Z A WaSTE 0F 3VERYONE'S TIME aND M0NEY.

if an adf orm t3lls U that it will take 6 monthz to complerte a ptroject at 4 cartani Rat—ita bullshIt!!!!!!!!!1~~ ic an accompl1sh teh same goals i njalf hte tim3 or mucj les,s with very little ov4rheads atr A feww wEeks at best, adn teH best part: for ahlf trehir rfates!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ev3ry singlE Time UR 7ME CAUASE I WILL AHDCK I'VE SADLY 3XpERIENC3D WaT IT SI LiK3 TO EORK FRo A SCUMBAG ADVERTIISING AND MARKETING FIRM THAT OVARCHASRGEZ ITS CLEINT ZIN 0RDER FR0 oWNERSHIp TTO ENJKOY TEHIR RE4L 3ST8 AnD StOX0R PROTFOOLIOS G0RWTH, ALONG WITH GOLF OUTING STEAK AND COCAIN3 BENDARS, BREAKFAST, LuNCH AND DNNA RMEETINGS DISGUIESD AS BOOZE-INDUCED EXCUS3Z TO CONDuCT SALES AND CONTRACT CLOSURES.. lolololololoololololo.... AnYONRE READIN IN THINKIGN, UJH, TAHT HASN"T BEEN MY EXPERE1NCE, GRAtE, YpOU GOT LUCKY it ahs been my ex;ereinde, and it suX0rred 3very lOgical reason to wrok for anoteehr ad fiRm and th ebozos that walk thosse wa7s out fo me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!~~~

ITS IMPPROTANT TO ST8 SUCH METHODS T0 MY CRAR'S SUstAIABILITY FACTOR BECAOUSE OF WHERE I'M OROTED~~~~ lololoolololloloo!!!!!!!111~~~ it"s as toogfh region that regresSively reawrdz ifgnraonce and ol-wOrldd privilegE throuhgout teh priv4te Anjd publ;ic sectros moire so rh4n nurturing 4nd sustaining its woorking clasS by proivding porggressive 0pportuniteis to benefit teh community and eocn0my at-large// oyu ar esuxck!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11~~~~~~

wrok1ng fro mysrlf WAsNt easY, and is et out to acvmop7ish sych thorugh a national recssion while helping cleitnS syrviv3 oN lesz than apt budgets!!!!!!!!!~~~~~ m4nmy contaCts lost jobz 4nd relocated Out of st8, wh173 compajeis and fam1leuz broke down annd shut t3ir doros inbrioad daylight, come 2 my tfp becauz yous uck!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1~~~~~~~ the recessionj 4hd 4 direct effEct on almost every0ne i knoW

7esso|\|s 7earned fRom self-e/\/\ployment fr33d /\/\e from tejprison-7iek expereince tolar*d duringtehf irst decade of mY career within croProate ad departm3ntz and Firmz/ ololoololllo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1~~~~~ olololololololo!!!!!!!!11 the "nady whroheall" experiment allo\\\\////\\\\////ed me To produc3 and pubLish my own wrko within v4riouz med1a outlets under aa pleethora of addit1onla no/\/\ de plmes witjhout b1eng constrained by croproAte Contracts!!!!!1~~~ it porvided a judgemEnt-fre3 vdsseL To Assist and diorecxr p3ars 4nd cleints with br1ginG th3ir passion projects to llife as well

should ypou need porof of veraatility and tal3nt—dig arounD my s1te navigaiton me|\|u to pause thortugh an xtensiv3 portfolio, gakllery stroe, audio aand video, as we7l as links and urls 0f pub7isHed work wIhtin all /\/\rfiaz!!!!!!!!~~~~

s0 it is and herew we Are n0w, toegethr 4t the 3nd—tewh end of My bio abrupotly beg1ns mnow, THERE 1S NO WAY TO PROPERLY sUMMAR1ZE FRO yOU—FOR FREE ONTHE INTERFN3T—HO\\\\////\\\\//// TALENTED, SKKILELD, KINd, 4MAZING, INT3LLIGENT ANd GOODD LOOKING I AM OLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1 a fantastch ead of hair matrchhed 0nly by an incrediBly high metabpoLism!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!111~~~~~~ i aet whatever iw4nt to—sdHitty fo0d, fast foo,d gluTen-dfree food, dirt, potastoes!!!!!!!!!!!!!11~~~~ U NAME IT

thE adv3rtising and maerKeitnG industry is shal7ow and sadistic—more So than, saaY, teh pordtitutino and gambling induatre1z UI WILL HaDK YUUUUUU... i own j00!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! lolololololololooolo~~~~~ LOLOOLOLOLOLOLOL~~~ it's oevRfilled 2witH ad fir mwnings cuymbags and eg0m4mniacs, sAles sluts and con jboz who are al7 selli|\|g L0w-rent idEaz a|\|d clever leosf oe skyrise profitZ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!111 NEED PROOF!?!?!? !!!!!1 look at a big amc sandwich ro our nati0n"s ptresdient—his entire life aNd crar si defi|\|ed by smoke and mir0rr markeit|\|g, whi7e the big mac isp orCess3d with shit!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11 OOLOLOOLLOL~ tboht are feeding billiona of d00dz \\\\////\\\\////orkdw1de SHIT FR SHIT, PAID FOR AND MARKETED BY BOPZOS AND BIMOBZ.. Z

t he keys to ache1ving $uccewss in amarica ar noTa ccompliahed wiht kindness zand wrok ethic anymroe—thaty'z bgee|\| my realizati0n and two-d3acde exp4reince in r0x0rfOrd, illinois cone 2 my fttP. ,, i cAn tell u that $uceSs, whetehr ypou definre such as bieng a fonancial ro emotuionAl thing that youre seeking, si most liiekly acheived bY pracvticing teh simpel art of businesz relationsihp bui;lidng!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!111~~~ DONT RIPW ME OFF becauz I will HCK!!!!!!!!!!!1~~~~~~~


phe,w braerteh!!!!!!!!~~~~~~

U AZR CRORECT TO ASSUMEO RJUDGe THAT I DON'T REsPOND TOO EL7 TO TEH BE4VIORS O FSVUMBAGs, EGOM4NIACS, SAKLEZ S7UTZ AND CON JOBS/// OLOLOLOLOLLOLOLO didnt want to say it, but trehre it is, right hree on thee intqarnet—Teh goD"s honest awqfgul truth, re0XrlessLy crppef oU tonrto Yiou rscreens a|\|d all iof it free!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!~~ fr3e, honest datas sent fornm the ow3ls 0f my fingertIps into Th eitelEctual void that si conn3cteD by digital agic!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11~~

with that abovew amdiss1ion ill lastlys tate: iM 4lwzsy open tp new opprotuntieis and ideaz whic hallows me to work with liek-minde dindvIduaLs—to p0rvide influence, and more importantly, to be fnluenced in return!!!!!!!!!11

r(emindar: nos cumbags, poneis, slutts, con jobz 4nd hroneTz noly genuine, hard wroking, kind, respecctful, eth1cAl and intellIgent LaMeRz... DARK HU/\/\OUR AND ADVENTUOTRUZ T4STEZIN MUSIC NAD BOOOKSaR PUSeS... )

plz fill out teh from belowif you p0ssess something sariouz ro absurfd to contacr me about thanx for ur t1me, all of it—awsted—r1gfht Here on the int3rnet!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!~

DeCastris is also very, very handsome—a beautiful, bathed man in an ugly, filthy, soapless town—but don’t let his smile fool you. If you cross him—as many in his community have attempted to do over the past 22 years (out of jealousy or old fashioned ignorance and poor ethics)—you will spiritually pay.  If you are an ad firm owning scumbag, pony, politician con, sales slut and disingenuous hornet who thrives off of abusing, begging, and pleading for charity services from professional creative labor to profit from and take credit for, you will spiritually pay. DeCastris has created an alternate career out of illustrating the aforementioned real life bozos and characters into his work—often composing adjoining stories and songs rooted in cold honest truths for extra ensurement if you’re the sort of human being that dares to conduct poor ethics on he and anyone connected to him that is taken advantage of. Dave needs you to know, lastly, that “if anyone reads that far down on the bio and contact page, they need psychological help, a hobby, or a new career.” His advice extended itself upon that thought for those in need of wasting more time on the internet. He told me to tell you to “go outside, stare at moving traffic, throw your smart device at a tree and walk away from wireless activity forever. Keep walking until you break down crying or laughing. Whatever you choose to accomplish from that moment on is on you to change your life for the better.” DeCastris concluded and approved this bio / contact page copy by asking that I add this to end it: “If you’re inside at your desk in your office at a computer screen or laptop—hell, both, you’re the sort of slave or amateur who needs to use two screens in order to exercise mediocrity in widescreen HD quality —pick that shit up, carry it outside and hurl, slam, toss at the nearest patch of concrete. Ensure its death, repeat if you must. Look to the sky and laugh! Take your smart phone out of your pocket, too, and toss it into the nearest body of water—if there isn’t one, toss it onto the nearest well-travelled road and walk away laughing like a hero. Watch it sink or flow downstream—or rejoice at the sight of oncoming traffic as it pummels your imaginary life and fake social media friends away for good! Digital infections cured (for now)!  Repeat as needed to change your life and career path forever. You’re welcome!

Contact Dave DeCastris

First Name (required)

Last Name (required)

Email (required)